Season 9, Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: C+
Bavarian Brouhaha

We're in Munich now, with the Bachelors examining the amazing architecture and saying things like, "That's a cool building right there," and other such inanities, and they can only seem to enjoy the place in relation to which of them is going to nail Desiree, apparently.

Chris Harrison greets them (with a "guten Morgen") and some blather about how Munich is all about history and romance (because when you think "romance" you think "Germans," of course) and then sends them back to their hotel to retrieve the date card, which is for Chris. It's in German, which Chris can read? Phonetically, at least? It's translated for us: "In Munich, we can fall in love with each other." He's "really jacked" to get the first international date.

And the date consists of them wandering the city, while the background music is probably a CD at the Bachelorette offices entitled Oktoberfest's Greatest Accordion Hits.

While they're out wandering around, the rest of the guys, especially Bryden, are moping around the hotel room. Again, I can only assume that they're confined to the hotel (but not allowed to admit it) because I can assume even these pinheads would want to explore the city. Wait, did Bryden just say he's going home? He was talking to James and I zoned out, but now he's on his way to go find Des.

Des, meanwhile, tells us this date has been "so much fun." [Footage not found] They are eating sausages and putting on traditional German clothing and listening to oompah bands and dancing in the middle of a square while other people watch the Americans make asses of themselves.

Back at the hotel, James tells the other bachelors that Bryden is leaving, and they gasp like he said, "Yeah, Bryden just slipped in the shower and ripped open his jugular and now he's dead." And we watch Bryden stroll around Munich asking people if they've seen any television cameras around. Eventually he catches up with Chris and Desiree, who are still cavorting around in front of the polka band, and we go to commercial on a hilarious shot of Chris stalk/staring at them from the crowd.

He makes his move when they start to leave, and Bryden nobly asks Chris for permission to talk to Desiree, and we have to watch Chris pout about having to share her. And before even watching Bryden talk to Desiree we have to check in with the dinguses back at the hotel, who solemnly discuss the situation in hushed tones.

So Bryden is all, "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go," and Desiree is all, "That sucks but OK, bye," and she tells us she knew this was a possibility after their conversation in Atlantic City, and now she's questioning whether the other guys will be there or if they'll decide to leave, and I hate to tell her that those are always THE ONLY TWO CHOICES, and she is actually crying, and she lies and says she's not going to let it affect her date with Chris. Because they talk about it. And talk about it. And wonder, why come all the way to Germany? Because FREE TRIP TO GERMANY, STUPIDS. Chris assures her that he's there for the long haul, which from any of these bachelors actually comes off like a threat instead of a promise, and then they start guzzling beer.

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