Season 9, Episode 2

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 2 USERS: C-
Everything Is Terrible and Everyone Hurts

Tonight on The Bachelorette: A whole bunch of shit that will make you want to sell everything you own and go live in the woods where you never have to have human contact again. You know, the usual.

The bachelors get a tour of the house where they'll be masturbating in bunkbeds for the next few weeks. Chris Harrison stops by to pick up his paycheck and leave a date card. It's for Brooks. "I'm waiting for a sign," is the note from Desiree, or "Des" as I guess she's supposed to be called. Brooks, in his words, does "fist pumps" and "the Rocky Balboa" in excitement and calls Des a "ball of mystery." We have yet to see any evidence of hidden depths, but these guys are probably baffled by mirrors and ventriloquists.

Over at Desiree's house, she primps and talks about how excited she is, and then gets in her blue convertible to drive over to the men's house. She's in jeans and a pinkish/purplish top, and Zak W. raves about how great she looks in ordinary clothes. You know, the clueless guy who claims to like it when women just look "natural" without realizing how much effort goes into that. Speaking of ordinary clothes, I didn't know who Zak W. was at first because he has a shirt on this week. Mikey says watching Desiree walk away is a little bit "debilitating." The men watch Brooks and Desiree leave, all of them popping boners at the convertible. And then Ben is the latest one of about fifty of the bachelors to explain that they'd rather be going on the date. Then we have a commercial break after about two minutes of original content, not that I'm complaining.

Brooks hilariously talks about how crazy it is that this could be the first date with his future wife. Is he new here? This is not something he should overly concern himself with. Their first stop is a bridal gown store because Des says it's important for the men to realize that designing wedding dresses is a passion of hers. Then it's dress-up time, with Des trying on wedding dresses, and Brooks putting on an emerald-green tuxedo. Desiree notes that it could have been really awkward, but it was a fun time... because if this wasn't for a television show and there weren't cameras here, Brooks totally wouldn't have faked a phone call and gotten the hell out of there, never to be heard from again or anything, telling all his friends what a psycho that chick Desiree was.

Then Desiree gets this "great idea" as if what is to come is this spontaneous, whimsical adventure, and the two of them, dressed as a bride and groom (with Brooks in what appears to be white sneakers, like CHRIST) go eat some cake in front of about a dozen losers taking pictures of the once and future nobodies (in Brooks' words, a "mob scene").

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