Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 9

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You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here

She had three perfect dates, she tells Harrison, so she doesn't have any more clarity as to who she's letting go tonight. She talks about following her heart and that sort of bullshit. The only upside is that there's plenty of time to fix myself another drink.

Oh lord, Harrison is introducing the personal video messages from her three idiots that she can watch whenever she's ready to contemplate cutting one of them loose. The more she talks about how hard it is to let them go, the more I'm convinced she's saddest about her time on television coming to an end, as well as show-financed dream vacations. I'm trying to imagine someone whose tears I feel less empathy for and I can't come up with anyone.

We listen to her blubber as she looks at framed photographs of guys and watches their cliché-ridden videos while we watch Chris Harrison welcome them all to the final Rose Ceremony of the season. Sean says he's head over heels with her and he loves her and he doesn't want her to forget that. "Jef" is happy they've been able to take this journey together. He recaps their awesome dates together and promises to keep her cheeks sore. From laughing so much, you perverts! Emily wipes away a tear. Arie talks about Dollywood and how well they fit together, and his huge crush turned into love underneath the blanket under the London sky, etc. etc. etc. They all say they love her, and Sean and "Jef" talk about how they look forward to a life with her and Ricki. Arie doesn't mention Ricki, which seems kinda fatal.

Emily is still crying over the intimidating responsibility that is breaking someone's heart like she's about to do. "I don't want to hurt anybody, and I don't want to make the wrong choice," she whines. You'll recall, while Emily sobs and tries to protect her makeup, that no one is FORCING her to be here.

And now Emily DOES know who she's saying goodbye to tonight, but she's worried that she's making the wrong choice tonight. Is she saying goodbye to everything she's ever wanted? Everything she's ever prayed for? God's like, "Fuck, like I don't have anything better to do than listening to Emily Maynard's problems."

Chris Harrison explains to the three dingbats left that two is a smaller number than three, and since there are two roses left, that means one of them is going home tonight. And now Emily comes out to prattle on about how she can't believe they're here or whatever. It must make each guy feel so special when she says that she can see a fairytale ending with all three of them.

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