Season 8, Episode 9

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here

And now it's time for "Jef" to spend some time with Emily. He's one-hundred percent that he wants to be with her, but he's not one-hundred percent that it's going to work out. Yes, the presence of two other men does seem to constitute an obstacle.

They are going to spend the day on a boat, and "Jef" seems to find the presence of a boat "amazing" -- it's an island country, "Jef" -- and now they are on a boat but you can barely hear the inanities they are spewing at each other over the wind. He says his parents now want to meet her after hearing about Emily from his fifty brothers and parents. And then he says "I love parents" and "I love hanging out with parents" like WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT and now she is talking about how she could keep him out of trouble and how he can get her INTO trouble sometimes, which constitutes some kind of balance or something. I don't know, maybe "Jef" is going home tonight. He won't see it coming, because he seems some kind of "masterpiece being painted," and I think if anyone is painting a picture of what's going on here, it's Hieronymus Bosch. He prattles on about how the sun is setting, but his life with Emily is just starting.

At some point, it becomes dinnertime. "Jef" tells us the only thing he doesn't know about Emily is what it's like to spend time with her and Ricki, which means he's going to score some more sensitive points with Emily at dinner by asking about her. He refreshingly asks her where she'd want to live. Somewhat unsurprisingly, she says she doesn't expect him to move to Charlotte, but she'd be happy to move to Salt Lake City, because that's where he is.

His next question is tougher: She seems to attract amazing guys, so why doesn't it work out with them? I don't understand anything she says in response, but I don't think she's speaking fully coherent sentences anyway. Then she asks him the same question, and he says something about not being able to "see the end goal" until her, and he can't imagine anyone being more perfect for each other than they are. And now they are kissing, and I know I've been assuming Arie is the eventual winner, but I could be swayed by "Jef." I never would have thought he'd last this long. And now he is asking Emily if she thinks he would be a good fit for Ricki as a dad. Really, the fact that he's asking the question is probably enough for Emily. But surprise, surprise, the answer is yes anyway.

And then out comes the pimp card. "Jef" says it would be awesome to forego their individual rooms, but her daughter's going to be watching this -- RICKI'S GOING TO WATCH THIS? -- and his family's going to be watching this, and yadda yadda yadda, so he's not going to bone her tonight. Emily talks a lot of shit about how thankful she is he thinks that way, and how she knew he would be a gentleman, but all of a sudden I'm confused: Is she required to give these guys the card? Ah, it's all revealed when she says she wants "Jef" to get all horndog on her and want to take her up on it so she could turn him down. And then they are all blue-balls making out with each other in some kind of damn treehouse hotel. "Jef" is the second of three guys she's going to do this with this week, but THANK GOD SHE'S TRYING TO SET AN EXAMPLE.

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