Season 8, Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
Whalin' on Kalon

We're in London, which means that we get television shorthand: Tower Bridge, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, the London Eye, and "Rule, Britannia" playing over the whole thing. Emily takes in the sights with Ricki and marvels at how old the place is.

And then the modern-day electric guitar really rocks it out while Chris Harrison welcomes the surviving bachelors into Trafalgar Square, while Londoners stand around, looking and thinking, "England gave you The Clash and this is how you repay us?"

The men are staying in the posh Amarillo suite in the Mayfair suite, where Sean receives a card for his one-on-one date: "Love takes no prisoners," reads the card. Sean has no idea what that means, but that's only because it doesn't mean anything. "Jef" frets about the fact that he hasn't had a one-on-one date, whilst leaving out the fact that during any alone time he's had with Emily, he's behaved as though she's covered in cold sores. Which I guess, halfway into your second season on the sexually-transmitted-disease Petri dish that is the reality franchise known as The Bachelor/ette is more inevitability than risk.

Emily's excited because Sean's "great-looking but sweet," instead of "great-looking and sweet," so read into that whatever you'd like. They take in the sights around London, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham -- Emily telling Sean all about the places with the confidence of someone who read a few "Facts About London" cue cards thirty seconds before the cameras started rolling. As usually, the idiots on the date talk about how perfect the setting is. It's almost zen of them: wherever you are, there you are. I can only assume that if Sean and Emily were on a date in Paris, they'd say things like, "You know what? I kinda think Sean and I would be better suited by London."

Meanwhile, back at the Mayfair, the men are discussing Emily because god forbid we get to see them discussing anything but this show, and Kalon says whoever marries Emily had better realize that every day is like a group date because of Ricki. The music shifts and the editing has "Jef" give him the side-eye, and if Kalon had said, "You know who had some good ideas? Hitler had some good ideas," I don't think it could have been treated like a more egregious statement. "Jef" tells us that he thinks it's so uncalled-for for Kalon to say anything about Emily raising Ricki, which he didn't at all (at least, not that we see here, but later events will cast things in a different light). Two other things: one, "Jef" points out that Kalon was raised by a single mother, which you'd think might make "Jef" realize Kalon might have a little idea what he's talking about, and two, "Jef" makes himself sound like he flipped over the table and starting whalin' on Kalon for the disrepect, while in reality he sat there waiting for the timer to go off to remind him to apply another coating of mousse.

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