Season 8, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
Daniel: A | 1 USERS: A+
Ego Tripping

Three dates this week: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. But what's "exciting" -- not really exciting, unless you're one of the bachelors, I guess -- is that they're going to Bermuda.

"Bermuda has 'Emily' written all over it," says Emily, because it's warm and sunny and beautiful and Emily is the only person in the world who could possibly appreciate those qualities. And then we get the requisite "Ricki is the most important thing ever to me" segment, and then Emily says she wants to be pregnant, probably with octopluts, the next time she comes back to Bermuda which is kinda weird.

Then a copyright-non-infringing guitar riff reminiscent of "Born to be Wild" starts up, resulting in much unintentional comedy when we see the surviving bachelors tooling around Bermuda not on motorcycles but on SCOOTERS, for God's sake.

The one-on-one date card is for Doug. I don't remember who he is yet until I see him on the screen. "Let our senses lead the way. Emily." This will be a date that uses all senses (except for "common" and "of taste," then).

Oh, right. Doug has the kid or kids? Someone calls him Doug E. Fresh, which I actually found funny. Arie wants Doug to go home so they can get down to business and the bromances can end, like WHAT IS GOING ON in the bachelor pad?

The wind kicks up in Bermuda, so these idiots are forced to sit inside and talk about tonight's date. The words "dude" and "bro" are used with reckless abandon. Arie tells him he's building it up too much in his head, and Doug seems to take more offence than is warranted. "Could you just let it go, bro? Seriously?" he says.

Emily strolls into the rampant testosterone. She says it was a "weird vibe" and everyone was on edge and really serious. "I thought he was going to kick my ass!" says Arie after Doug and Emily leave, and then he starts doing a "Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad" Hulk impression that genuinely made me laugh.

"I really like it here," says Doug. "I know, right?" says Emily. The level of discourse will not rise above such insights as these two wander around St. George. Doug talks about how awesome he wants his son to think he is, and then he started a charity, and Emily's impressed by that but not so impressed that she asks any questions about what the charity entails, at least not that we get to see. She asks what he's like on a bad day, and he confesses to scolding "all the boys" just before she got there, and for some reason it impresses Emily that he felt comfortable enough to share that with her, which is beyond ridiculous. Then they write a letter to Austin, and hopefully child-protective services will ensure that it's forwarded to the proper authorities.

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