Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 3

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With a Little Help from Her 'Friends'

Now it's time for dinner, where Emily wants to know more about Arie's having dated a woman with two kids. He says he was in love with her, and super attached to the two kids. He was ready to have more kids, but she said she didn't want any more, plus he reminded her too much of her ex-husband, "because of racing."

There is talk of Brad, which is beyond boring and pointless. Also, we pan from the rose on the table over to the couple a million times, and after a few minutes of small talk that's numbing EVEN FOR THIS SHOW, she picks up the rose and then half-assedly pretends he might not get it, or something. I don't even know what's going on by this point in the show. "This rose symbolizes the start of something great," Arie tells us, and then we watch them go for a ride on the carousel, and Arie tells us he can imagine going down on one knee. Pal, your oral sex techniques are YOUR business.

And now Emily's daughter is helping her get ready for the cocktail party and learning important skills like perfume selection and application. As for the men, Ryan's facial hair is growing increasingly douchey by the minute, so you know he'll be anxious to secure his rose quickly.

She tells the crowd that this rose ceremony is a little different, because she's starting to develop a few crushes. And with that she whisks Kalon aside. She tells us he's a real guy, and my counter to that is a) His name is "Kalon" and b) his job is "luxury brands consultant" which I'd argue is as far away from "Marlboro Man" on the masculinity scale as I can imagine.

He's wearing glasses, which she says she likes, and he, sounding bitchily passive-aggressive, says that thanks to her, he had a lot of time to hang around the house this week. He says he took it personally that he didn't get a date this week. He moves into smoother territory when he congratulates her on her surely-Nobel-worthy move of sending Tony back to be with his child, and falters again when he sounds less than thrilled of his first parenting responsibility being a child who isn't his own. Having spoken over her for the first few minutes, he then chides HER for interrupting. "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish," he says. Probably not the best thing for someone who didn't get a date to say. He may have just ensured a rose-less evening.

Anyway, what he would have said if that uppity broad hadn't interrupted, is that you can't control everything, or something. Emily tells us that she thinks Kalon is a gentleman. After he basically told her to shut up while he's talking, I'm going to put "Kalon is a gentleman" right there with "Ryan always says the right thing" in my Sentences That Have No Basis in Reality file. At least she tells us that she didn't love it when he told her not to talk, but then she blows it when she says she wonders if it's because he hasn't spent enough time with her. How much time do you need to spend with a person before you know it's rude to tell her to shut up, Emily? "I do like tall, skinny and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny and condescending," she says. I guess maybe we're getting an idea why Ryan's "don't get fat" advice didn't earn him an immediate exit.

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Bachelorette

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