Season 8, Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
With a Little Help from Her 'Friends'

She talks about missing her daughter and then, rather confusingly, says if Brad knew that Emily wasn't "his girl" she would have wanted him to send her home that minute. What the hell? That makes no sense, except as her seizing the opportunity to try to make herself seem like a saint for sending him home. Which is what happens. She hugs him goodbye, and he goes off in a van and talks about how getting back to his son is the No. 1 thing in his life. Better than continuing to make an ass of yourself on television with the rest of these guys? CAN'T be true!

Emily sits down with the remaining victims and explains the Tony situation, and she knows how that feels, and she knows Doug does too -- Doug gives a head nod that says, "Sure, but I can still handle my shit." She urges them all to come talk to her whenever they need to. "Jef" says it's sad to see Tony go. Told you! On the other hand, though, it's one fewer guy competing to pretend to date Emily for a little while.

Time for the rose. Emily says so many of them were so wonderful with the kids, but one of them was wonderful and built like a Greek statue, which means the rose goes to Sean. Ryan still feels confident that he's going to be there for the long haul.

Emily shows up to the bachelor holding pen to pick Arie up, and they take a plane to Pigeon Forge, Tenn., where they head to Dollywood, which apparently Arie hasn't heard of? Emily tells us Arie is out of his element but was a good sport about everything, like IT'S AN AMUSEMENT PARK.

Then they wander into the theatre where Dolly Parton performs, and there are two microphones on the stage and a piece of paper with "Write a love song" printed on it. Thank God we don't get to that, because the curtains part to reveal Dolly herself standing there with a guitar, and Emily is surprised as hell to see Dolly Parton in the Dolly Parton theatre at Dollywood, and keeps talking about how she could die right now. Dolly has apparently taken five minutes to write some song about how bachelors and bachelorettes are all the same and are looking for love, and Arie and Emily dance awkwardly on the stage.

Emily admires Dolly Parton because she speaks her mind (fair enough) and wears cool costumes every day (what?). Dolly hauls Emily over for some "girl talk," and Dolly busts on her a little bit for being surprised to find Dolly Parton at Dollywood. Emily is thrilled that Dolly Parton knows she exists on this planet. Emily is remarkably skilled at framing other people's accomplishments and circumstances according to how they relate to Emily, isn't she? Parton then sings a song she wrote for her husband, to whom she's been married for forty-five years, which is a few decades more of marriage than this show will ever produce, and I mean all seasons combined.

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