Bachelorette
Season 8, Episode 3

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With a Little Help from Her 'Friends'

OK, we REALLY don't have to re-explain the concept when we come back from commercial. Not everyone watching has the memory of a goldfish, thanks. Two friends ask Tony what he thinks he has in common with Emily, and he says, "Just like taking my son to school, taking him to activities" and I think maybe someone should check Tony for sunstroke, and then they ask "Jef" if he's ever dated someone with a child, although maybe the better question would be if he's ever dated someone with a vagina, and then there's the other guy who's a dad, and then there's Ryan and then there's the guy who brought an egg and I forget his name, I think it's Moron or something, and at any rate Emily's friends are stone-cold LAUGHING IN HIS FACE because he brought an egg, and then there's the wolf being all wolfy.

Someone is popping and locking and someone is doing the worm and now there are pushups on a picnic table like WHAT IS GOING ON HERE and oh there is wacky music so this is the comic relief, only it's the kind of comic relief that leaves you feeling unsettled.

And here's Sean talking about family and faith and how his dad has taught him "to be a man" for the past 28 years, and Emily's friend Wendy drools all over him and gets him to take his shirt off, so you're starting to see how it is that Emily has twice decided to be part of this mess with such supposedly protective friends looking out for her. Then they make him do pushups and Wendy sits on his back while he does it and now we all know why Fifty Shades of Grey is doing so well.

Finally, once her friends have finished finding out the answers to such crucial father-potential-defining questions like, "How big are your pecs?" and "May I sit on you while you do pushups?" Emily blows a whistle and a bunch of children come screaming into the park and you're hoping that it's a Children of the Corn thing, but it's just a bunch of kids who have been bused here so they can play with a bunch of strange men who are there for the purpose of trying to sleep with Emily, so I'm sure that even in North Carolina the parents can be arrested for this, right?

Doug and Tony, being dads, are both obviously great with kids, and none of the other guys molested or killed any kids, at least not on camera, so it looks like it's a success all around. Then Ryan ditches the kids to come mack on Emily in front of her friends, and he, BECAUSE HE IS STUPID, says he wouldn't be OK with it if she gained weight after they got married, and then is forced to shift into damage control mode and try to pretend that he would be worried about if she got lazy or whatever the fuck. "I would still love you, I just wouldn't love on you as much," THIS IS WHAT HIS BRAIN TOLD HIS MOUTH TO SAY. Wendy tries the "more of her to love" line, which is rich coming from the understudy to Rita in Bridesmaids.

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Bachelorette

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