Season 8, Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
With a Little Help from Her 'Friends'

The good citizens of Charlotte are not allowed to be on the street in front of the stage because Emily and Chris have to slow dance and kiss and pretend that this music is better than the sound of drowning kittens. Chris dances like he has to take a wicked dump but still has to walk home and so is clenching to save his life.

The next day, the group arseholes stroll up in a park to meet Emily, wearing a cleavage baring top and holding a football. The guy who calls himself "Wolf" because you're totally allowed to give yourself a nickname says she looks amazing and he's hoping for a relaxed, chill day. Ryan, the pro sports trainer, shows her how to do a stiff-arm, and she says she knows, and he asks if she practiced it last night.

Sean tells us he's not the type of guy who "aggressively approaches women," and I have to say it's refreshing to hear a guy assure us he's NOT a rapist. He wants to get to know her better.

And then Emily makes up some excuse to leave, and something seems off, of course. She's leaving to go greet her girlfriends -- once again I'm mystified by the women-specific tendency to identify their female friends as girlfriends. Not all women do it, of course, but only women do it. At any rate, Emily's girlfriends -- who I would not be surprised to find out have been hired from among the ranks of her fellow soccer moms and barely know Emily at all -- are unlike any other women's friends in that they introduce her to guys and let her know what they think of guys she dates. That's so adorable! What must it be like to have friends? One of her friends has brought this thing called a "newspaper" which features a picture of these two lunatics over the hilariously flat headline "'Bachelorette' goes on a date in uptown," fighting for your attention from the lead story, which is "How will DNC impact life in uptown? Details to come" which a) annoyingly uses "impact" instead of "affect" and b) would, as a reader, make me say, "Well, let me know when you've GOT the details, I guess."

Emily says her friends are very protective of her, but since this is the SECOND time she's done this show, it's probably best that we don't analyze their success rate. Anyway, she wants to "y'all's detective skills" to work, meaning she wants them to meet these assholes and ask them questions. It only took her five minutes to reveal this, which is great, because every commercial break they've been telling us she was going to have them do this. Emily fetches the guys, who react to the news that they're going to have to answer "questions" from her "friends" like she said she wants to check their feces for fiber content.

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