Season 8, Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
With a Little Help from Her 'Friends'

They make it to the top and as usual these stupid fucking physical exertion dates prove that they're a good match, because it's like my father always said: "If you can find someone who whines and cries while she's being slowly pulled up the side of a building, MARRY HER." Anyway, then they have dinner and/or sex, I guess.

Oh, wait, we're supposed to sit through dinner now. Emily is surprised at how non-surprised Chris was at climbing the wall, and she calls him a manly man, and then she tells him she'd be too intimidated to talk to him in a bar because of how cute he is. Is he? Acceptable stubble level, no visible sores -- he passes the Bachelorette test! She seems absolutely surprised that he's only 25, which is a red flag to her, because she comes with a young daughter, and she hopes he understands that. In other words, she's worried about his stepfatherhood potential since he's only, what, six years older than she was when she had said daughter, I guess.

Speaking of parenthood, Tony the lumber trader takes a phone call from his son, and apparently the kid's future rides on him getting a date with Emily this week. And the group date card shows up, and it's Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Sean, John, Michael, Doug, "Jef," Tony and Travis who are the sperm vying to fertilize the egg. "Let's play... Emily" is the entirety of the date card's text because not even the people who put together this show can be bothered to make an effort anymore. There is some pointless debate among the guys as to what that could mean, and the only conclusion reached is that it would be better for everyone involved if IQ tests were required for admission on this show.

And now here's Doug defending (?) his young age by saying idiotic things like "I'm a man," and he's ready to be a father and other arguments that will keep him on television having dinner with Emily. She is hilariously hung up on the two-year gap between their ages, but she gives him the rose anyway because that's just how brave she is.

They are strolling along a street and Emily talks about how he said he likes country music and apparently there's another shitty new-country act willing to be on this show to pad out the loosest two hours on a national network in history. His name is Luke Bryan, and he sings something like "Girl, you make my speakers go boom-boom" but it can't be that because HOW STUPID WOULD BE THAT BE. Also he's drunk on you and high on summertime.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP