Season 8, Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
With a Little Help from Her 'Friends'

No stitch-related accidents to put me on the bench this week, sadly. And upon reading Couch Baron's recap (thanks for the timely pinch-hit), I feel doubly fortunate because I didn't witness the Muppets debasing-themselves-slash-classing-up-the-joint-depending-on-who-you-ask. Apparently Dolly Parton is going to be on tonight, and she's supposedly cool but I didn't grow up watching Dolly Parton right before I went to bed, so she can Bachelorette it up all she wants and it won't bother me. I have a friend who works for her Imagination Library program, and anyone who runs something like that is all right by me and can probably survive any Bachelorette-related grossness.

Anyway, we open with Emily's perfectly made-up mom bringing perfectly made-up Emily breakfast in bed while Ricki is outside the bedroom refusing to come in because Ricki is the only one in the House of Blondes with any kind of sense.

Over at the bachelor pad, Chris Harrison bellows for the sixteen remaining bros to come out into the courtyard so he can tell them about the three group dates, which I think was a one-on-one, a group date and maybe one of the guys will tossed into Jabba's pit to fight the rancor.

He's got the first date card, which he places on this coffee table/rock garden/fire pit/thing and then slowly backs away, like he just lowered chum into the shark tank and he wants to get clear as quickly as possible. It's a date for Chris: "Love is a steady climb," is what he says, and Chris says he's excited to get to know Emily and for her to get to know him. He says he'll be devastated if he doesn't get that rose tonight. Whenever a guy on this show says something like that, I picture all of his friends making it their ringtones.

And we're already with the couple strolling around Charlotte, somehow not being mobbed by all their fans, and she tells him she's more nervous than excited because he's so cute.

But she's going to make him work for his dinner tonight, and the "climb" thing comes into play when ropes uncoil down the side of the building so they can scale the building. Chris pops a boner over how good she looks in a harness.

And then we watch as the two of themselves ratchet themselves up the side of the building while lightning flashes ominously in the distance and Emily whimpers like a six-year-old and we're supposed to pretend that they're in any danger whatsoever. She tells us that she was really anxious, but there is no one else she'd rather have by her side than this guy she met just a couple of days ago.

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