Bachelorette
One On One's So Slow

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Lanny, Get Your Gun

Wearing a brown scarf and her Pip hat, Meredith makes her way up to a house I can only guess from her fashion cues belongs to the old jilted bride Miss Havisham. No, wait. It's just SpongeBob SquareHead at the ManSion. Never mind. They climb in a limo together and pull up in front of one of those scary Wright Brothers-looking planes, at which they're met by a guy in a green flight suit (we'll call him "Iceman," though I secretly suspect he's more "Goose") underneath which, considering the looks of that relic, is a t-shirt reading "Ask me about my Lindbergh Baby." Oh, man. They're taking flight. Matthew is going to have to use a lunchbox as his helmet. Up, up, and away they go, Meredith confessionalizing how "comfy" and "safe" Matthew makes her feel. They touch down and walk away with wobbly legs, and I guess we're up in wine country because they're suddenly chilling in a vineyard in a way I half-expect to end with, "Look, everyone! It's TV's Andrew Firestone! What are the Simpsons doing in New Orleans?" Meredith teases her one-on-one partner, telling him, "I feel like you and I have been girlfriend/boyfriend forever," and Matthew immediately tells us that that comment "made [him] feel really good." Perhaps they should try some Firestone Wine. When good simply isn't good enough.

Ryan (is he not Ryan M. now that he's just the default Ryan?) grabs the next date box, and we find out who will be going on the group date, and by process of elimination, who will be going on the last one-on-one date. Meredith on tape: "Ian, Ryan M., Brad, and Sean, this next date is your next opportunity to get into the swing of things and make the cut. I'll be keeping score, so no cheating, and we'll find out who's up to par." Are we five? Who's writing this copy, my pediatrician? I guess we'll know for sure if the next video begins, "What time is it when you go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty!"

Ryan M. complains that, before KJ and TJ arrived, he saw himself as "the front-runner." Now, however, "it was obvious to [him] that [he] wasn't KJ and TJ's favorite." Was it because they spent the entire time you were with them plugging their ears and screaming, Ryan?

Back upstate, Meredith and Matthew sit in the middle of a giant field, Meredith asking the totally unstaged and spontaneous question (good thing the cameras got it!): "Tell me about your family." Matthew explains that he is the child of divorce, so, basically...NEXT! I'm kidding. I mean, I'm sure Hell has its charms. He says that having his parents have bad luck with marriage means that he won't be with someone until he's meant to be with the person he's meant to spend the rest of his life with. Meredith tells us how honest Matthew is, and asks him if he's ever cheated on anyone. No, no he has not. But she has, though she adds that it was a long time ago, and that she's "older now." "And wiser?" Matthew asks, kind of worried. Well, once a cheater always a cheater, I say. Just ask Matthew's divorced parents. Oh, that's right. You can't. They're burning in Hell.

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Bachelorette

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