Once In Love With Ian

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Circle Gets The Square


Please kill me.

And, Matthew. In the kitchen at the manse, Meredith's Venus Fly Turtleneck is in full, snappish effect, and the fact that she fed it some burned pizza before we got back from commercial is pretty much the only reason it isn't insisting, "Feed me, Seymour." She proclaims tonight's date with Matthew "important," because she has a big decision to make. Outside, Matthew confessionalizes that he's approaching their last night together "without fear." He finds security in the fact that she told him she wanted a ring (without specifying from WHOM) and pulls out a small box containing, as he tells her, "something sweet." And I don't know what it is, but I will say it looks as though it could contain the biggest chunk anybody's ever given her. Meredith has cooked dinner, apparently, and she feeds him adorably. Matthew celebrates how fabulous Meredith's family was, and continues with the biggest puppy dog eyes in the whole pound what a "blessing" it would be to call them his in-laws. And without going into the knotty semantics of my never having seen the words "in-laws" and "blessing" in the same sentence before, it also brings to light what Meredith is looking for. Let's do a sample breakdown of the average conversation between Meredith and each of her remaining suitors:

Matthew: "Your family is wonderful. They are a blessing."

Ian: "I've been to Greece. And I can kill a man with my mind."

Whatever. I'd make the same choice. Sincerity is for Coke commercials and simpletons.

Ooooh, this is creepy. Apparently, Meredith and Matthew decide to take a little drunken tour of the house, and she takes him into the Gloom Room. Matthew hilariously takes Ian's picture and places it face down on its perch. I guess it's a success for this show that I had always pictured that place as a totally detached entity, existing in no temporal dimension humans can touch or feel. I kind of pictured the two of them walking in and discovering Chris Harrison wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask and playing an organ, cowering and hissing, "You should not have brought him here, this rogue!" when they walked in. Maybe they just edited that part out. But this I warn them both: don't y'all stand beneath the chandelier on the ground floor, if you know what's good for you.

Matthew's confessional tells us that they had a fabulous time, even "when there's nothing exciting going on...for me, that's what life's all about." Well, that's exactly the problem, isn't it, Polite Knievel? Upstairs in Meredith's bed, Matthew pines on for the glory of Meredith, promising that he'll be there giving "whatever it takes" if it means they can be together. "Everything else seems to disappear" when they're together, according to him. He believes that this is his "fairy tale." He wants nothing more than to end up with Meredith. He gets the same "bye, baby" Ian was offered, and he tells her before he gets in the car that he can't wait to see her again. Which he will do. On television. Or, as the most famous shrew in Shrewville put it on during another incarnation of reality television, "See you at the top of the charts!" Oh, man. That reference makes two O-Town references in two days. I guess Jacob Underwood withdrawal is a lot more slow-acting than professionals had previously hoped.

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