Bachelorette
Once In Love With Ian

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Circle Gets The Square

"This is excruciatingly hard," Meredith confessionalizes with a shaky voice. A bad moon rises over Malibu as she stands up in the middle of a confessional and wails, "I'm not doing this. It's just not right." Upstairs at the manse, she just wants to be alone is all. "I love them so much. I can't do this. I didn't know it was gonna be like this." She tells us that she doesn't want to choose, and that if she stalls any more a constitutional amendment legalizing polygamy will actually be debated, signed, and ratified before the end of this episode and she won't have anything to worry about. Trust me. It's coming. Just kidding. No, it's not.

Meredith recaps the men in mental montage, and Matthew steps out of the limo in gauzy flashback at the very same moment the lead story for tonight's local news appears on the bottom of the screen, reading, "High Price Of Cereal: Eyewitness News, 11 PM" and the story that appeals to me less is not immediately clear. God, I love a good bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Matthew walks into Tacori and sits down with the same gentleman Meredith met with some days before. "This is an oval," Tacori says, and a bellowing chorus of "UNLIKE YOUR HEAD" follows in beautiful, simultaneous harmony from my house. A somewhat intricate conversation ensues:

My Friend Beth: See, but with Matthew's perfectly square head and Meredith's perfectly round head, it will balance out with their children.
Djb: But my fear is that their children's heads will also be perfect geometric shapes, rather than a good mix of the two.
My Friend Beth: Oh, no. Like a rectangle head?
Djb: They'd have to name their kid Trap E. Zoid.
My Friend Beth: C'mon, kid. Don't be such a square.
Djb: He'd have to take the rhom-bus to school.
My Friend Beth: Okay.
Djb: Pass the gummy hamburgers. My god, what made you buy these things? They taste like a pillow.
My Friend Beth: Impulse buy.

When we return to our delicious bowl of Honey Grahams -- nay, for they are too expensive! -- we discover Matthew ruminating on how he feels about the ring he's not ever going to see again: "I was picturing us, maybe walking down the street, me holding her hand and me seeing that on her finger." His fantasies are so mundane. I kind of love it. "I can just imagine us ordering Coke and getting, like, a Coke."

Ian, too, will be ring shopping.

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