Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

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Marry Me A Lot

This wedding was planned in a montage! They montaged through the wedding plans! I thought they said it was going to be hard! Everything's easy in montage!

We meet the ring and the dress and the shoes again. But I already recapped this, so you can't fool me into recapping this again.

Heh. "Trista loves vanilla." You can say that again. And what the hell is a "cake diva," anyway?

Ah, money. I know there's been some controversy about whether releasing the tallies was a good idea, but I, for one, was thrilled. It calls to our attention so much more the conspicuous consumption of an American populace gone wrong, in which no expense can be spared because of the nobodies at the altar that I waste 6,000 words a week on. I mean, people: the shoes showed up at Rancho Relaxo in an armored car. That's a car. Made out of armor. I've only seen two other armored cars in my life, and one was in a History Channel documentary about World War II and the other was when I formed a mental vision of one when I read a fairly vivid description of it while reading The DaVinci Code. (Whatever. That book was really good.)

Anyway, here are the tallies:

Wardrobe: $250,000
Bridal gown: $100,000
Food and drink: $155,000
Wedding cake: $15,000
Flowers: $500,000
Music: $105,000
Gift bags: $30,000 (steal two and you can be on Page Six!)
Invitations: $83,000
Linens: $63,000
Location: $750,000
Jewelry: $1,250,000

But wait! Don't even bother with the pesky chore of pulling up the calculator! Damn the Accessories Menu! Papa Fleiss took care of the math as well! The grand total for just these very selective expenses is $3,778,000. And that's not including the million-dollar fee the couple was paid just for the "rights" to air the event. And the cost of renting those helicopters! ["Far be it from me to tell the Walt Disney Corporation what to spend its money on -- like, employees' salaries, for instance, or, like, charity -- but that amount of money is really obscene and gross. Particularly when you hear the shitty off-key flutist performing at the wedding and think, 'They paid some part of $105,000 for that? Damn, Next, shop around!'" -- Wing Chun]

A fabulous moment over in the bridal suite, where a few seconds of feed find Trista looking all pissy and put out until you can practically hear the "and...action!" of this totally unplanned, spontaneous "real" event. Then the two flower girls run in and Trista gives them a big hug. Because she's all heart and loves a good spontaneous moment. And...cut.

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