Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | Grade It Now!
Marry Me A Lot

Actually, what Chris is referring to when he mentions the overflowing, dizzying excitement of the day is a swarm of (well, four) helicopters churning overhead. Chris tells us that it's the "paparazzi, angling for a clean view of the bride and groom." To be posted without permission on ABC's sister site or its mirror site Let's go to a commercial while the production staff finishes their task of pulling those "Property of Next Entertainment" stickers off the side of the helicopters. Swarms of paparazzi. Bullshit.

Wow, Chris. You must be exhausted from all this knowin' stuff! Back at Rancho Relaxo, Chris learns us real good that there are few things in a wedding more important than choosing who will be performing it. And in this case, he really means performing. Cut to the chambers of one Reverend Clint Hufft, who loves his relationship with the lord, the Defense of Marriage Act, and sharing his hair products with one attending Bob Guiney. Too bad I've spent so much time dancing around this exhausted joke, or I might go as far as to say that the wedding vows will culminate with Reverend Clint instructing them to respond, " I Dippity Do." I'll bet you my confidentiality agreement about who the next six Bachelors are that Mindy the Wedding Planner found them this guy. He's a totally smarmy, camera-friendly member of the clergy, telegenic and ready for his close-up...with the lord. In a meeting featuring the three of then, RevClint asks Ryan what he likes about Trista, and Ryan -- looking like he's really had just about enough -- mumbles something about Trista loving him for who he is. He can just be himself. She lets him be all that he can be. Awww, just like the Army. He marries Trista more before 9 in the morning than most people do all day! Reverend Clint now tells Trista, "The table now turns to you." Ha! Turning the tables! Just like the tables were turned when she was on TV. Reverend Clint must have been some kind of a fan of The Bachelorette. Trista likes Ryan because he makes her happy. Reverend Clint asks them now to look on "the dark side." You mean, if Luke is her father, or something? RevClint asks if the couple has had any major fights, and they both nod knowingly in that "well, after all, I am a total bitch" kind of way or that "well, after all, she is a total bitch" kind of way, respectively. He asks after the nature of their arguments, and Ryan tells RevClint that a lot of arguments center on the wedding. He leaves out the perfectly obvious fact that the fights are about the televised, famewhoring aspects of the wedding, but, I mean, duh. RevClint asks if they want to have children. Trista tells RevClint that it's her "one fear" that she can't have children. Wait, is that something that could be a problem? Why don't we get to see what's actually going on? Are there tiny, Asimovian paparazzi flying mini-helicopters through Trista's uterine track snapping sonogram pictures? If so, is Martin Short once again available to star?

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