Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

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Marry Me A Lot

Chris keeps going: "I'm here at the Lodge at Rancho Mirage" -- well, that product placement ought to make a dent in making back some of the money it cost to trademark the color pink for the exclusive use of Next Entertainment in perpetuity, forever and ever amen -- "where tonight, the entire country is invited to witness the marriage of Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter." And while I adjust my cummerbund and escort my sexy, reliable "+1" named Paid To Be Here into the reception hall, the rest of "the country" breaks itself down into "people who have better things to do," "people conditioned to be watching The O.C in this timeslot and forgot about this so-called ABC, and "people with the flu who don't need yet another reason to retch," and shoots back a response card with the definitive and inarguable box ticked off: "Cannot attend."

Anyway, that's the "country" for you. By the way? You viewers in Canada? Screw y'all. ["My part of Canada screwed ABC right back by bailing out at the 1h30m mark, for what it's worth, because we were so, so, so bored." -- Wing Chun]

Chris reminds us that it's "fitting" that the wedding is taking place on television because, well, that's where the couple met and fell in love! (Oh, no kidding?) He jibbers and he jabbers about the "dream come true" this is for the couple, smiling his biggest Guy Smiley grin and promising us that it's going to be "a night to remember." ["Huh, I read a book by that name once. About the Titanic." -- Wing Chun] What are you looking so smug for, punk? You're not even technically a guest.

We join Chris now at a remote satellite location, several dozen feet to the side of the outdoor ceremony location, sitting on a stool and earnestly continuing, "Earlier this year, the whole world watched as Ryan asked Trista for her hand in marriage." Oh, so finally the rest of the world is included. They're like the people who live reeeeally far away that you only invite to the wedding so you can choke a present out of them because you know they'll never come. Well, we'll see who gets the last laugh when "Lichtenstein" says it's coming, and it's bringing Slovenia as its guest. And it wants you to know that its capitol is "Vaduz."

Sixty-four slices of individually-wrapped American cheese "previously"s later, we're back in Palm Beach, Chris continuing in his role of "Look, an old dude, telling a story!" and we crowd like impressionable youngsters around his feet to hear his tale. "Obviously," Chris tells us, "this is no ordinary wedding." It sure isn't! It's fake! Also, "for more than six months, hundreds of people have been working tirelessly to make this the most spectacular wedding any bride could ever imagine." He tells us that this is the night to see how it all "comes together," from the designers and florists to the caterers and chefs, all of which leaves me wondering after the purpose of the first two installments of this particular series. Either way, Chris promises, this event is going to be "the wedding of the decade." That's a pretty bold promise in the same decade that brought you such power-couple nuptials as LeAnn Rimes and Dean Sheremet, Joan Collins and Percy Gibson, and James Van Der Beek and Heather McComb. Whoo-whee, but do I get weak-kneed in the presence of fame. Just a sec. I'll be fine. I just need to breathe a sec.

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