Bachelorette
Trista & Ryan's Wedding, Part 3

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Marry Me A Lot

A rehearsal dinner is best experienced in montage. Bob and Estella are taking everything "one step at a time," Bob tells us. HATE each other. Trista's mom gets a moment to shine, telling us that she's "excited" about it. Trista's dad introduces a clip reel of Ryan and Trista growing up called "Trista and Ryan Through the Years." If the Kenny Rogers song of that name has a tendency to make you cry at inopportune moments, you may very well be my mother. Are you? Pete makes a speech and retracts his earlier "high-maintenance" comment about Trista. What were they doing, watching the dailies? After the dinner, Trista baby-voices an "I'll miss you" to Ryan as they wait for the elevator. She steps on and goes upstairs, Ryan staring moonily at her and me concerned that the ceremony hasn't even started yet and I'm completely out of applicable rhyming couplets for "Lydecker." ["Coat-checker?" -- Wing Chun]

RevClint makes his way through a squeaky set of gates as the processional starts in. Ryan's father and grandmother are first down the aisle, followed by the dawn of a new ice age it takes so long. In fairness, the aisle is sixty miles long. Chris attends Ryan's other grandmother. Wait. Are they showing this ceremony is real time? Wow. That will allow me to recap it in real time! Trista's grandmother and uncle walk down the aisle. Trista's maternal grandparents walk down the aisle. People, this is television! I wonder what's going on over on the other ch...ah! Fleiss has put a shock mechanism on my television remote. I can't change the channel. No wonder the ratings were so high. I love how Ryan is interviewed by Charlie every time they cut into the Groomal Suite, but suddenly Trista is suddenly all tweaked out and camera shy. Trista's dad and FakeMom process. Trista's mom walks down the aisle next, with which one of Trista's other close relatives befitting the escorting of the mother of the bride down the aisle? "Trista's mother, Rosanne Rehn, now being escorted to her seat by Trista's lifelong friend, Andy Goldenberg." ANDY GOLDENBERG? The mother of the bride, people, and she walked in hours after the stepmother of the bride. And she got totally Goldenberged. I can't believe they Goldenberged the birth mom. Fuck all.

Ryan enters, escorted by his parents, to the strains (and I mean "straaaaaaaains") of Pachelbel's Canon In D. Contractually obligated to do so, everyone mentions the helicopters all faux-surprised. Don't play this song at my wedding. Don't play this song at my funeral. Don't play this song ever. ["But Blues Traveler's 'Hook' is okay, right?" -- Wing Chun]

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