Bachelorette
Jillian and the Four Remaining Bachelors Go to Spain

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The Spanish Inquisition

Daniel's wisely taken a vacation just as Jillian and her four remaining suitors take off for Spain. How are there still four people left? People need to stop coming back and they definitely could have done without those extra guys at the beginning. No wonder Daniel needed a vacation.

Well, we're in Madrid. You can tell by the lovely sites and the loud music. Jillian rocks a casual outfit as she wanders through a small market and contemplates her big choice. Will it be the newly returned Ed... or one of those other guys? If it's Wes, I swear to God I'm done with this show. Not that I ever really wanted to start with this show to begin with. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse. On with the show.

Because this ridiculous thing is still two effing hours, despite the fact that it has less content then ever, we get to reflect on her time with each of the guys, via footage from the entire season. First up, Kiptyn. Her jaw dropped to the floor when she saw him and they had instant chemistry. She likes his eight- or nine-pack abs. Nine-pack? Really, Jillian? She thinks he's too perfect; if he actually had a lopsided amount of ab muscles that might be an imperfection. She trusts him, but worries he might break her heart. Which isn't really trusting him at all.

Next up is Reid, one of the bonus guys from the first episode. See, if we didn't have those extra guys, we would have one less guy to deal with tonight and that would be so awesome. Anyway, she likes him, but they are really different. Broken record. She liked him better after she met his family, but she doesn't know if he's really ready to settle down.

Then back from the real world is glutton for punishment Ed. He was also a late arrival, and he's a workaholic. She wants him to commit to his job and her. We relive the crying and the tears and the drama and the fake emotions brought on by his return. She's scared he's going to let her down and that she'll always come second to his career.

Then there's that idiot Wes. He's so freaking smarmy even from the get-go. How does she not realize this? If she picks him, I'm nominating her as queen for life of that Hot Chicks With Douchebags site. Seriously. There's the Jake tattling, Wes getting pissed off, Jillian still letting him stick around. Jillian says that they've shared "intimate moments." Ew. She wants assurance that he's husband material and not just there for a record deal. I can't even. I don't know where to start. I'd rather have functionally-challenged Michael around. Also, how much do you want to bet that Michael and his equally dopey brother will be the first twins to be the Bachelor next season? I'm just speculating...

All in all, Jillian's super-psyched to be in Spain because it is the perfect place to fall in love. Her first date is with Kiptyn. She thinks he might be out of her league. If he's willing to go on this show, I don't think she's got anything to worry about. She doesn't think he really cares about her that much, so she's hoping he'll show his true emotions. He interviews that he thinks he could fall in love with her. She brutalizes some Spanish. They hold hands and stroll through a cobblestone-paved park while they rehash her time with his family. He says after she left he told his sister that he would totally be ready to date her, but he's not ready to put a ring on it. Because he believes that this show is real and those proposals actually mean something, so he wants to wait until the timing is right. She reiterates that she's on this show to get engaged. Period. She says that there's a lot more time before the end... oh god. I can't even pay attention to the rest of this conversation. A lot more time before the end? I thought we were almost done. When does Daniel come back?

She composes herself and says that just because Kiptyn isn't on bended knee, she's not going to write him off completely. That would ruin their preplanned date, after all. They head off for flamenco lessons. It involves a lot of booty shaking. Then they perform on a stage, complete with costumes. Kiptyn looks ridiculous in insanely tight pants and he goofs around but looks like he's in pain. He says that it wasn't sexy. I'm also ninety percent positive that he calls her Jen, but maybe he just rushed Jillian? I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually knows her name because I think those pants might have cut off the circulation to his brain. Jillian thinks they had a fun, natural flirty date.

That night they head out on their next date, and she again reiterates that she wants to get married. They hop on a moped (or scooter? I'm afraid I don't actually know the difference.) He drives them into the curb while parking at the restaurant. I'm immediately grossed out as they discuss the tight pants and the subject turns to his penis. I only wish that I were kidding. He says that he was worried because they hadn't even had the kid conversation yet. Jillian pounces on that little morsel. He wants kids, so does she. Riveting television. They eat escargot and she shares her limited knowledge of slugs. Neither of them shoots it across the room a la Pretty Woman. Now she starts asking about his ex-girlfriends and whatnot. She says it is because he reminds her of her father. Not in a gross way, but he thinks he's too generous and sweet and might be too much of a softie. He says that he can express his opinions when he needs to. I think I'd rather go back to the disgusting penis conversation. A little note comes to the dinner table. It's the key to the fantasy suite. She doesn't think she's ready to spend the night with somebody yet. Instead she invites him back to her place to cuddle. Now she's prudish? Not last season when she was hot-tubbing with Jason? He says he was excited about the fantasy suite and would have said yes, but he respects her decision. He's clearly disappointed that they aren't hooking up. They make out and roll around on the bed, but don't stay overnight.

Dating in the Dark. Grosser than Kiptyn and Jillian talking about his penis? Discuss.

The next day, she's in Sevilla for her date with Reid. He brutalizes the Spanish language. Aw. They've got that in common. Annoying. He steals a flower from someone's garden and puts it in her hair. They stop at a local market for food for their picnic. She plans on eating and making out. Not necessarily in that order. Neither of them can speak Spanish and they have trouble communicating with the poor shop owners. He clearly learned his language off of a Starbucks menu, as he asks for a "soy grande." She says she'd love to travel with him -- they'd probably fight, but she'd also pee her pants laughing. Lovely. Thanks for that imagery, Jill. She does look fabulous in a little black sundress. I'll give her that. He tells her how much his family loved her. I think I like him better with the glasses. Personal opinion. He asks about the other hometown dates, she says all the families were nice. He tries to get mushy, but he's awkward and she starts giggling. They make out some more, which gets them both to stop talking. Nice!

They meet near a bridge for their evening date. He thinks it could be love, but he's not quite ready to say it ... yet. She wants him to say the L word, and she's "cutesy" about asking him to, and it is kinda charming... weirdly. I think this show has beaten the brain cells out of me. The audio on my TV wigs out at this point. Which is fine because from what I can piece together he just keeps telling her nice things, she smells nice, etc... He calls her on the fact that she rolls her eyes at him. But then they laugh. Fantasy suite time. He totally leaves it up to her. She again says that it's too soon, and he's fine with it. He would love to spend the night and wake up with her in the morning. He does admit that it sucks for him. He then tells her that he doesn't like that she'll be making out with three other guys... and maybe taking them to the fantasy suite. (My whole issue with this show!) She likes that he's jealous. She wants h

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