House Of Bland And Groggy

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | Grade It Now!
She's A Bad Nana Jama

Props to not this show.

On another day at another mansion in another zip code in Southern California with another crop of beefsticks trying to out-dude their Bachelorette's previous suitor Bob Guiney (mission: already accomplished. Are we free to go?), Chris "Host Of Treats As Well As A Treat Of A Host" Harrison all but slips into his own rapidly encroaching self-parody when he walks (again) next (again) to (again) a pool (again) on a finely appointed lanai (aGAIN) and kicks it off, directly addressing us and sneering, "Good evening, and welcome to The Bachelorette!" The despondent audience of me looks around thunderstruck, certain that I accidentally threw in the tape from any other season of this show, before sighing the leaves off a tree just outside my apartment (for so gusty is my sense of resignation) and settling into that feeling like it's the first day of school again and that the kids around me are mostly new but I keep having the same teacher over and over again. With a surly roll of the eyes and the private assertion that the tallest kid in class is going to be in my gym class and pick me last for flag football, I drone the reply, "Good evening, Mr. Harrison," and another season of The Bachelor(ette) has begun.

"In just a few minutes, one special woman will meet twenty-five men from all across the country who have one thing in common." You could ace a Geometry AP using their perfectly square heads as a protractor? "They're all ready to get married!" Oh. That was my third guess, after protractor and "they're all secretly gay." Actually, move gay up to #1.

"Last time, we had a fairy-tale ending for our Bachelorette." Nice to know the copywriters of The Bachelor(ette) have included the queasy and jarring horror stories of Poe and The Brothers Grimm into the canon of fairy tales. Remember that "fairy-tale" wedding of Trista and Ryan that all but ended with the barely poised bride collapsing on the altar and screaming at the top of her lungs, "Dissemble no more! I admit the deed! Tear up the planks! Here, here! It is the churning of the hideous paparazzi helicopters!" Yeah, that wedding was the stuff dreams are made of. But let us speak no more of it, for "now they're married and living happily ever after." Just like all sham marriages! As if that closes the storybook on Trista with a curlicued "The End" while cartoon birds chirp merrily from high trees, Chris puts juuuuuuuust too fine a point on it: "See, this really can work!" Jeez, Chris. No need to get all defensive about it. It's true if In Touch says it's true. We get it. ["Plus, one marriage in five couples? I do not care for those odds." -- Wing Chun]

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