Bachelorette
Home On Deranged

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Save The Drama For Yo Mama

"What a week!" Chris Harrison observes in the Gloom Room. Meredith tosses off a barely-concealing-her-horror "wow!," and Chris accuses her of having "a sparkle," which is the sparkle of clarity as to who's going back to Texas. No, not him. The other one. Thaaaaat's right. Meredith says that the home dates really do mean a lot, adding, "I could be falling in love. Time will tell." Chris leaves Meredith and goes to welcome each of the men, as she chills out with some video messages...of love:

Ian says something in a foreign language which sounds extremely close to how you say "go shit in the ocean" in Yiddish. Matthew has never shat in the ocean, trapped as he is in the mired of a landlocked universe, except for the Gulf, which is where the hurricanes come from. Lanny has never said a damn thing in Yiddish in his whole damn life. Chad lives with his mom.

Meredith descends, clad in her fishnets of doom, and launches right in: "My heart's beating really fast!" Hey, that's the first time she's ever elicited an exclamation point! And just at the same moment her Venus Fly Turtleneck threatens to engulf her whole. That is so sad! You know who's not sad? These three clowns:

Ian. Ian, will you accept this rose? Next week: Ian drowns Meredith in a well and still gets a rose! This motherless child with the V.C. Andrews brother can do no wrong.

Matthew. Matthew, will you accept this rose? What's that? He's still having trouble hearing her after he packed Meredith's things in his square head and stowed it in the overhead compartment.

Chad. Chad, will you accept this rose? Chad lives with his mom.

But Lanny...well, his mom lives in HIM. So that's that decision for you right there. She accompanies him outside and tells him, "I adore you." He tells her to do what's right or blah, knowing that the platitudes that they didn't get to know each other is bullshit and that his mom ruined everything. Though he is quite gentlemanly about the whole thing, and when he opens the limo door for himself and hops in, he disconsolately tells us, "I'm upset. I was expecting to get a rose tonight...it hurts, yeah. Definitely. But with my faith, you have to believe it was the right thing." Crazy. I didn't even know he was religious.

Back inside, Meredith toasts to the remaining heathens, and God plans a well-placed lightning bolt. Sooner than later, please. Not to tell you your business, Sir.

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