Season 7 Episode 5

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | Grade It Now!
Beau Thai

Welcome back to The Bachelorette. As you may recall, despite being surrounded by 15 eligible bachelors, Ashley is still determined to be her own Enemy of Love and is still mooning over Bentley. Yes, Bentley the guy WE all know is a dick, or at least (according to his friends) skillfully edited to look EXACTLY like one, although no one can edit him to say such delightful things as, "It could have all turned out different if Ashley was Emily," supposing of course that Emily likes total dicks, which clearly she does because of Brad Womack? He's a dick. So yes, maybe Bentley and Emily stood a chance, but unfortunately Ashley isn't Emily and Ashley is here and, thus, Bentley was just going through the motions in order to garner publicity for his "trampoline arena" until he got sick of it and decided to go home, breaking Ashley's slightly stupid heart in the process. Wow, THAT was an exhausting sentence.

Anyway, from the way Ashley is sniveling over Bentley, I think it is clear 1) Why Ashley is single and 2) Why she liked Brad so much and 3) That she is only wants things she can't have and 4) If we drink every time she says "Bentley" we will all be quite soused by the end of the first hour. Maybe Ashley can borrow Brad's traveling therapist for awhile? Anyway, last week Ashley decided to try and make this show remotely interesting by getting out of bed, not crying for five minutes at a stretch, and actually dating the 11 guys she is contractually obligated to date on national television. So she had dates with Constantine and Ames and a group date with everyone else and she decided (again) that her husband was in that group (again).

Now the clusterchump and their accompanying woman of marriageable age are saying Fuck it to Phuket and flying off to Chiang Mai. Then we get the fortune-cookie editing treatment where every statement any of the men make is edited to include "for love" so we all remember that at it's pure and unadulterated core, this show is about Love. Also money, ratings, and STD prevention, but also Love. The bachelors are all extremely excited to fly around the world! [Edited to add: For Love.] They can't wait to see Chiang Mai [For Love]. They hear it's an amazing city [For Love.] Nick, for whom, I have an unreasonable yet overwhelming desire to punch in the face every single time I see him on the screen, reminds us that Ashley had it tough last week what with all the weeping and wailing over some jackass with Monchichi hair. Now Nick hopes that they have wiped the slate clean and Ashley can continue on the road to love. Shut! Up! Nick! Seriously, take your stupid soul patch, weird frosted maybe mullet, and get off my screen (also my lawn).

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