Bachelorette
Emily Meets the Bachelors

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For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

New limo! "Jef" the entrepreneur rides on the back of it with his skateboard and then tosses it into the bushes because he is officially trying too hard. Lerone is next. He repeats his bullshit about how her single momness is one of the most attractive things about her. Stevie is a "Party MC" and he is carrying a little portable stereo and that's all I can handle from Stevie. Then there's Charlie the recruiter, who comes off endearingly goofy, especially after the party MC is done party-MCing.

And here comes Tony, the lumber trader from Beaverton, with a slipper on a pillow, and he identifies himself as "Prince Charming," and he asks her to try on the shoe, and she agrees because she believes in "love and fabulous" shoes, and the shoe fits, which is as good a reason on this show to get married as any I've ever heard.

Jesus, aren't we done with the guys yet? Here's someone pretending to be an old woman with a cane. That would be Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach. Maybe we could get a little more affected? Is there maybe a falconer in this limo? Here comes Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles. Is it me or do the ones with actual jobs just seem immediately better? Quick hug and a compliment, he's in and out, and earns a "so cute" from Emily. Here is Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno. By the time Emily is 41, she plans to be a grandmother, so watch yourself, Brent.

Next up is John, a "data destruction specialist" from St. Louis. "All my good friends call me 'Wolf,'" he says. I think the fact that this might be true and that this is what he tells Emily is pretty much all you need to know to size this guy up.

Travis, 30, an advertising sales rep from Mississippi, is carrying a large plastic egg. He's sweaty! He says the egg is a symbol of beautiful people like Emily and her daughter, and he will look after the egg like he would look after them, and I think we're only going to have to concern ourselves with this guy for another forty-five minutes or so, although we get to watch him try to explain the egg to the douchebags who have already arrived, one of whom asks, "Are you for real?"

What? ANOTHER limo? I don't want to be here all night! Michael, 26, is a rehab counselor from Austin. He gives her a guitar pick because he has long hair and is a rocker, I suppose. Jean-Paul, 35, is a marine biologist from Seattle who asks how she's holding up. He says he's excited about this because he doesn't know very much about her, which doesn't make a ton of sense to me.

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Bachelorette

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