Bachelorette
Emily Meets the Bachelors

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For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

Speaking of head injuries, there is a guy named "Jef" with one F who is riding a skateboard without a helmet and he is from Salt Lake City and let's all agree that we all want to beat "Jef" up. Since this is but a recap, all I can do is commit to putting "Jef" in quotation marks for as long he appears on this show. He says people rarely take him seriously because of the way he dresses and acts, and fails to consider that they fail to take him seriously because he is a massive tool. He's the CEO of a bottled water company, and we're supposed to be impressed by his charitable giving instead of outraged by the gross unnecessariness of a bottled-water company. He says he's different from buckled-down business owners, because he wants to enjoy life, and I guess other people hope to be miserable? In which case they're probably watching this show.

You knew there had to be at least one racecar driver. His name is Arie, and he's from Scottsdale. He pretends to be worried about the fact that Emily's fiancé was a racecar driver instead of acknowledging that this is a storyline that guarantees him camera time.

We're done meeting the assholes who will be competing for Emily's time, and will now spend a hundred hours watching Emily and her daughter put on makeup, and then Chris Harrison tells us the night we've all been dreading is finally here: the night where Emily gets pimped out to twenty-five guys who are willing to confuse fleeting fame for love.

Emily steps out of a limousine, looking amazing, and says, "This is so crazy," like all of this is an accident. She says she's excited to meet the guys, and Chris "Buzzkill" Harrison makes him sit down with her and she says "I know, right?" for no good reason other than to start the Emily de-process in earnest.

Good for Emily! She's game to play along and pretend that she could meet her husband tonight. Like that ever happens! She says it's scary to put herself back out there, and she fell in love hard with Brad. And hey, did you know her first fiancé died in a plane crash? Why haven't they brought it up fifty million times already? Emily says she wants to move on from that, and I really, really, really hope that's true, but somehow I doubt this is the last we'll be hearing about it. She says she's finally at a point where the fact that her daughter is a reminder of her former fiancé is a good thing, and she also tells us that she's hugely protective of her daughter. I mean, at least as protective as you can be while still displaying her on television to evoke sympathy for her and yourself from millions of people, I suppose.

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