Emily Meets the Bachelors

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | Grade It Now!
For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her

Now, let's meet this season's assholes! There's Kalon, who brags about the money in his pocket, and how he can wine and dine and luckily for everyone, FCC decency rules, not to mention everyday decorum, prevent him from finishing that rhyme. He is a "luxury brand consultant," which is the kind of job that makes people with real jobs hate people like Kalon, who, at 27, is old enough to know what a waste of oxygen he is. He appears to have come to some kind of realization about what an obnoxious womanizer he is, and how he has to have some sort of drastic change, but he hasn't made enough of a change that he has some sort of job other than "luxury brand consultant" yet. He plays tennis!

There's Ryan Bowers who played pro football and lives in places where churches and covered bridges stand in for values and character traits. He works with kids to help them flip over tires and be the best at whatever, and he thinks Emily's inner beauty pours out of her, which I imagine would be just as meaningful to him if she didn't look like a twelve on a scale of one to ten.

Then there is a guy from Beaverton, so I have to stop typing for fear of making the most vulgar jokes imaginable. He's a father of a five-year-old, which is the best thing that's ever happened to him, apparently. He got married, but found out his wife was seeing someone else, and now he's a single dad wookin' pa nub, and then he makes a "who's got two thumbs and..." joke, so fuck the guy from Beaverton.

There is real estate consultant Lerone from L.A. who is a family man who does pull-ups and pretends that the fact Emily has already had a kid is one of the most attractive things about her.

And here is David, a singer-songwriter from New York. To him, writing songs is like walking, and we watch him hammer on a keyboard and yelling "Emily!" and it's like that old SNL sketch where Dana Carvey sings about choppin' broccoli because he doesn't have anything else for his record label. Except comparatively speaking Dana Carvey's character is John Lennon next to this guy. He uses words like "disparate" and "converge" and is filmed half in shadow because he's so artistic.

Charlie is a "recruiter" from Nashville and he tells us he comes from a perfect family, although I think that's one of those adjectives that it's not OK for you to apply yourself. He was in an accident that kinda sounds like the worst-case scenario for a second-story balcony collapse: broken ribs, fractured spine and brain injury. His recovery process made him think about the things that are really important, like huge honkin' watches and finding love with Emily. He actually says, "I may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart," I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAYS THOSE WORDS.

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