Bachelorette
Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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Sssssssssh!

Meredith tells us she's not feeling "fully confident" about her feelings about all the guys, as they clomp themselves into the house and begin another night of awesome, useless milling. Ryan R. tells us in a confessional -- no, seriously -- that he really wants to get a rose tonight. Outside, he tries to foist some totally natural LOOK AT HOW COMFORTABLE WE ARE TOGETHER vibes onto the deal, holding Meredith's hand in the most awkward, painful-looking way that makes you count all of her fingers just to see if she's still there and take stock in a very "this little piggy is turning blue, this little piggy is cramping, this little piggy's not breathing" kind of way. Slurring and gesturing and threatening and receding like the chief thug in the Rogaine Mafia we so clearly know he is, Ryan R. carps on, "The small amount of time we've spent together, I've gotten to feel we're comfortable around each other." Meredith responds with a strange segue that sooooort of makes it seem like she's not changing the subject ("Nana?"), responding, "Even though I thought that Bob and I had an amazing connection, it's not enough." Huh? "You kind of have to be aggressive a little bit." And speaking of the kind of polarity that makes you wonder if these opposites on the aggressiveness scale belie the existence of a creamy nougat center in between them, Rick takes this moment to put a hand on Ryan R.'s shoulder and request, "My good friend, I have to steal the lady." I would say I don't know which of them scares me more, but that would take a lot of soul-searching insofar as which of them I think knows how to kill a man in the more ghoulish fashion.

In a confessional, Ryan R. expresses some pent-up "he was our neighbor and he was always so quiet so I never would have expected to find her head in the crisper" rage in telling us, "When Rick asked for alone time with Meredith, I was upset about it." But then. Oh, but then. And I know ABC needed to hype up the fact that there was going to be some drama after the Rose Ceremony this week. And I know they had to shoehorn in their limited store of Ryan R. confessionals somewhere. But this next shot totally tips it off that he's the one who freaks out, as we next catch a breathless Ryan R. shot in close-up KrazyKam, clearly after the Rose Ceremony, raging, "I am not yanking her back and forth. This is not a tug of war of a female woman. It's not my style, man. It's not my style. It never will be." ["Oh, a female woman. Yeah, that kind is tricky." -- Wing Chun] Oh, Christ. Minutes from the most dramatic rose ceremony ever (or so I am told) and we've landed right in the middle of a particularly spirited Quentin Tarantino DVD commentary. Someone please hit the "fast forward X 32" button before he gets into that speech about homosexuality and Top Gun because that glassware isn't just going to pack itself, already, and I'm actually moving tomorrow. You can ride my tail, anytime! We know, Ryan R. We know.

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Bachelorette

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