Bachelorette
Dude, Don't Be Such A Rick

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Sssssssssh!

The stress level in the house has increased somewhat as we return to what was apparently a house-wide pool game, already in progress. The hair-pulling histrionic drama takes a turn for the unladylike when Sean openly accuses Rick of calling this game show a "game." Which, I, huh? "This isn't a game!" This is a game. "This isn't who's gonna win." This is totally who's gonna win. Sean rants on, promising that he's not intimidated by Rick, which is something we need clarified, simply due to the frequency with which tall men brandishing pool cues wearing backwards baseball caps and mafia-compromised noses are scared of short orange men known around his industry as "The Al Bundy Of The Pink Novelty Slipper." Rick shoots back, "I'm not competing with anybody!" You are. You ARE competing with EVERYBODY.

"Did you have anything to do with me being here today?" Ian asks Meredith, and is disappointed when she tells him no. However, she was "hoping" he would be the one chosen, and they snuggle up on an empty (surprise!) bench. Ian can't believe she has to go on other dates, and wishes the whole thing could just end right now. Well, we've heard that one before and it never manages to come true. They stop by a wishing well -- called, wait for it, "Chinatown Wishing Well" -- and Ian tells us that his wish was "to spend more time with Meredith." Dude, go spend some time with her. She's right behind you. They kiss and are generally nice to each other, and Ian expresses some amount of certainty that he'll still be around at the end of the next Rose Ceremony. Ian thinks in this "game," there can never be something to count on. Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

A knock on the Men's Room (that's my temporary nonsensical name for the house because I'm almost done with my third recap in three straight days and, quite frankly, my brain is made of jam and I just accidentally spelled "Men's" with a "4") door reveals that it's two-on-one date time with Meredith, Todd, and Ryan M., who we'll just call "Ryan" for the sake of convenience because he's the only Ryan on this date and the only Ryan not tethered to a fire hydrant and frothing at the mouth. That Ryan is the other Ryan. This Ryan is the Ryan who knows all the words in the English language and has to say them all really quickly in a row without stopping as soon as he says even one of those words, like Cartman when he's cued with the first two words of "Come Sail Away" and can't stop until he's finished the entire song. That's right. I've just called Ryan a fat piece of construction paper, and that's just what I'll keep calling him until he...sssssssssssh. Dude. Seriously. Dial it down from pi and don't stop until you've stopped.

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Bachelorette

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