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The Final Rose

Ladies and germs we have done it. We have made it through every single episode of this infernal show. We have witnessed every high five, every giggle, every tear, every awkward attempt at musical talent, every virus passed from one open mouth to another, every painful moment of wondering when (if ever) Ali was going to brush her hair. Yes, we have made it to the end of The Bachelorette. Tonight, sweet Ali will grant either Roberto or Chris the final rose, the rights to her virginity, a dowry full of goats and petticoats, and then strongly recommend that he ask her to marry him. But before we get to that momentous occasion, we must wade through 1.75 hours of montages and douche commercial-worthy cinematography. Plug your nose and jump.

For those of us who have been huffing dry cleaning chemicals, the show kicks off with a slo-motion recap of the entire season. There were the limos pulling up, eviscerating eligible bachelors more quickly than a frightened sea cucumber upchucks its own guts. There was Ali staring into the limpid pools of Roberto's eyes. There's Ali checking out her hair in Frank's ultra-shiny forehead. There's Tennessee Ty, Kreepy Kasey, The Two-Timing Wrestler, The Weatherman, Fungal Kirk, and, of course, Frank the Heartbreaker. Ah, Frank. A shiny-faced man who is so cruel that he ruined Ali's Tahitian vacation, made her give her test the limits of her waterproof mascara, and forced her to appear on camera with a runny nose and a little grey cloud hovering over her blonde head. All because Frank forgot he had a girlfriend.

But Ali managed to recover her grace and dignity with a bottle of champagne and some industrial strength under eye concealer. She recovers herself. She toasts hunky Roberto and average human being Chris and invites them to Bora Bora to meet her family and maybe, if they are lucky, be given the unique opportunity to ask her to be their wife. So who are these two contenders? Roberto is a former minor league baseballer with hot Latin looks and a snooze worthy career as a life insurance salesman. Ali claims she felt a connection with Roberto right away, but we can probably all agree that was just pheromones. Then there is a lovely montage of all the time the two have spent together and the two have gone on a lot of dates. I mean, not enough dates to, you know, GET MARRIED, but a lot for The Bachelorette. They walked on wires fifty stories up. They were strung up in The Lion King together. They spent a lot of time being suspended on wires. Clearly this is the basis of a long lasting relationship. Ali reminds us that she feels safe with Roberto, yes, even when suspended fifty stories up. She likes him! And when she woke up next to him naked except for bits of candle wax and tears on that bear skin rug after their overnight date, she knew she was falling in love with him.

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