Season 9: After the Final Rose

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: C | 31 USERS: C-
Everything is Normal and Nothing Hurt

Live, now on After the Final Rose, we greet the inevitable. No surprises, no twists, just a slow creep to the contractually obligated finish line. At least we get to learn who the next Bachelor is.

Desiree comes out in a beaded white dress (bridal!) and all these Bachelor Nation bitches in the audience clap for her because at least she got a man. What fool would ever choose to be alone? Or take some time for herself? Let's applaud her bravery and her emotional intelligence and her independence! Or let's just applaud because we've been sitting in these seats for three hours now and we've been drinking the Rosé all season long.

Des is wearing her ring, but she still can't walk by a Brooks Brothers without bursting into tears. No, she made it through and found love because she stayed so open, she tells Chris Harrison. He asks her how it happened so quickly and she says she had to go through the hard and difficult to see the good and that's what happened. No explanation on the time frame there, except that they were on a filming schedule. Des charms and fools the audience members, who are enchanted no matter what.

Chris Harrison gets Des to admit that she liked how withholding Brooks was, but Desiree is not willing to call any of her feelings for Chris a rebound. Finally, we discover that Brooks is backstage. We'd better get something out of this.

Des laughs about how she probably should have known Brooks didn't like her enough, ha-ha. Then she claims she isn't nervous to see Brooks again, but laughs nervously when Chris Harrison tells her he doesn't know how things ended or that she's engaged. I hope everyone feels as betrayed as I do by this outcome, or at least Brooks. Before Chris Harrison cuts to commercial, Des appears to be holding back tears. Ha-ha-ha everything's a laugh! Real feelings don't matter!

Before bringing out the man who broke her heart, Chris Harrison asks Des if she knows what she's going to say. Des says she doesn't. She's just so open and casual! Brooks comes out, very openly nervous and cute and still very Mormon. Des folds her hands, covering her engagement ring, maybe subconsciously.

Brooks tells Chris Harrison that watching the breakup back recently was very difficult for him and caused a lot of feelings to resurface. Chris asks about those feelings specifically, and Brooks says seeing the breakup is hard and he remembers how invested he was in that relationship. Des thanks Brooks again for being so honest, like a total pushover, and asks Brooks what happened to his feelings between the hometown dates and Antigua. Brooks tells her that he had an opportunity apart from her to check in with his feelings outside of the process and it just wasn't there. He maintains that he was as honest as he could be throughout the process. I believe him, but also we exhausted this whole conversation last week in Part 1 of the stupid finale.

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