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Daniel: D | Grade It Now!
Blue DeAnna Song

Chris greets the bachelors. He can scarcely believe that there's only nine of them left, which I think I heard once n a Friday the 13th movie. Anyway, Robert, Jason and Fred will be leaving the Outhouse and moving up the path to Middlesex. And there's going to be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date, in which two go on the date and only one comes back (unfortunately, both bachelors will technically still be alive after the date). The one-on-one date is going to be given as a prize for whoever does the best job writing and performing an original song for DeAnna. Yes, you read that right.

Jesse says his biggest weakness is putting pen to paper, and second is singing. So he wanted to punch Chris in the teeth. Hee! I don't know if he realizes that that feeling doesn't have anything to do with songwriting contests. I'm guessing his third biggest weakness is buying massive palm-sized watches. All the bachelors piss and moan about having to do this. Fred in particular spends more time asking the other guys about their songs than writing his own. Alone among the bachelors in enjoying himself is Brian. Someone calls Graham Bon Jovi. Twilley writes his song at a picnic table where, for some reason, there is a (hopefully) fake grenade just sitting there.

Chris calls them all back in to perform, and DeAnna comes in to judge. "How are y'all?" she says, pretending to be a southern belle. To put him out of his misery -- and to put us in ours -- Fred's up first. He asks for a soft clap, which doesn't do enough to drown out his terrible country song that plays fast and loose with rhythm and rhyme. Graham says he'd rather eat glass than perform a song. "Step out the side door like a bird into the sky," he sing/talks. That's the first line. A bird stepping out the side door. Robert affects a terrible country accent -- actually, if you had to put the guys' songs into something approximating a "style," it would be country pop, which may give you an idea of the depth of emotion and originality of thought expressed. Jeremy decides to rap. Jason rhymes Santorini and bikini. Jesse moans about how tough this was for him, and then gets down on one knee for his song/rap (the closed-captioning actually specifically points out that it's "off-key"). DeAnna seems to dig it. And then after all the setup, Brian's song is called The House of My Pain." Because it's midnight in the house of his pain. Sean in particular can't stop laughing his arse off, but Jason is impressed, as is Twilley. However, DeAnna picks Jesse because he "put himself out there" and also made physical contact.

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