19 Remaining Bachelors

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: C- | Grade It Now!
The Muppets, The Famewhores, And Me

Hi there! I'm subbing in for Daniel, because after the premiere showed him what the season of this show was going to be like, he did something to his finger that required five stitches. I'm not editorializing or implying a connection, just letting you know the facts. Another fact is that I've probably seen about an hour of this franchise's programming in my lifetime, so we'll be tripling my "That's a [time unit] of my life I'll never get back" total here. Exciting!

So there's a "Tonight on The Bachelorette section, and if the show thinks I'm so breathless with anticipation that I can't wait for the events of the episode to unfold in "real" time, we're off to a pretty bad start. Also off to a bad start is Emily, if the fact that she can see spending the rest of her life with, based on what I'm seeing, fifty-seven different guys who would actually appear on this show is any indication. And based on my attitude so far, I'm starting to wonder if I'm recapping the show for the right reasons.

There's an overproduced (fake? Does it matter?) news segment about how "some speculate" (that's some crack reporting) the show is taking place in Charlotte so Emily can stay close to her daughter, and the "massive effort" put into the Bachelorette mansion, which is the sort of unintentional damning-with-faint-praise I'd expect from this offering. After some shots of ducks that my closed-captioning helpfully informs me are "quacking," Emily VOs that it's so great to have her daughter and mother there, as if this whole thing isn't embarrassing enough without dragging your surrounding familial generations into it. Emily's cute, though! She praises her "support system," and then one friend asks if she's nervous about "your date" that night, which makes me wonder if she understands all the nuances of the show. (Hee, "nuances.") But she's referring to the first date of the... competition, I guess, even though Emily wouldn't want it referred to as such. (Spoiler!)

Chris Harrison calls inside for the "gentlemen" to come join him in the courtyard, because none of them would have been hanging outside on this beautiful day on their own. He lays out the rules of the dates, and for as little as I've watched the show I've read Daniel's recaps faithfully enough to know that they haven't changed. However, if you want a surprise, Chris Harrison was just within spitting distance of almost twenty men and I still heard nary a "bro," "dude," or even "man." I guess these terms of affection need to be earned.

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