America's Next Top Model
Where The Girls Are

Episode Report Card
Potes: C | Grade It Now!
Bring On Some Fresh Meat, Already

Eva also wants to be a movie star. Again, go figure. She just finished a film called Crossover. I wonder when I'll be able to put that on my Netflix queue. Eva says that modeling allows her to be a starving actor while eating steak. For at least a little while there, steak = Missy Elliot. Now, I'm not so sure. Eva says that she's beyond ecstatic to have achieved some of the goals she set for herself as a child.

Next we have Season 1 Shannon, she of the Christ-loving blog. We flash back to Shannon's choice not to pose nude. She reiterates that she didn't pose nude because she wasn't comfortable doing so. Shannon looks...I hate to say it, since she is probably at least a good 5-7 years younger than I, but she looks old. And jowly. I think she might be wearing a wig, too. I don't know. She's wanted to be a model since she was five, and it's a great blessing that her dreams have become a reality. Shannon tells us that she has worked for Richard Tyler, Teen Vogue, and Australia's Sydney magazine. She's been going to castings for Fashion Week, and she's doing great. There are a lot of words that are coming out of her giant mouth, and all of them are pretty devoid of meaning. She's happily boring. She loves Jesus, and Jesus loves her. She loves being on the runway. She loves being photographed. She loves everything. She tells us that her dreams are coming to life, which I guess means that purple unicorns dance around in her bedroom day and night. And then she tells us that she's writing her autobiography. I want her to write it, and have Oprah pick it for her book club, and then for it to come out that she totally lost it at fourteen and was, like, a syphilis-laden business-convention hooker for many years before devising the Shannon persona for the Top Model cameras. Oprah does not take that kind of stuff lightly, or so I've heard. Shannon reminds us that, on the show, she brought in a poster of the male model she wanted to meet, whose name was Brad, and then they brought him on the show. Flashback to Shannon yelling, "Oh mah word!" Awww, I miss Season 1. She says that now she has a poster of her boyfriend. She pulls out a big black and white poster of a guy who looks kind of like Lance Armstrong but with really ripply chest muscles and, most likely, two testicles. But Shannon wouldn't know for sure because, she is sure to remind us, she's still a virgin and will be until she gets married. I predict that the title of Shannon's autobiography will be, Oh Mah Word! I Finally Lost It!. I would maybe check that out of the library.

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America's Next Top Model




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