America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters

The girls take their first step toward goddessdom by putting on shortie togas. Kortnie, 24, is the only plus-sized girl of the bunch and says it's probably impossible for her to be as skinny as some of the other bitches. Yeah, 'cause she's so HUGE to begin with. I'm surprised she's not wearing a toga made of donuts. The girls head back to meet Mr. Jay, who tells them that today is their first photo shoot! They'll be doing a classic Roman profile shot. Celia is up first and, after reminding us that she'll be eligible for AARP at any moment and, boy, is she looking forward to discounted movies, tells us that she works in the men's store at Bergdorf Goodman and loves being saturated in fashion. Fo, 19, tells us that she's a hippie. Never go with a hippie to a second location. Sandra doesn't think she has any competition. Aminat, 21, knows that Tyra is going to love her and be her BFF. But isn't Jay already Tyra's BFF, and by default the one who gets to shave her calluses every Friday night? Kathryn, 18, is the youngest of the bunch and a small-town girl. She's feeling a bit intimidated. Teyona, 20, is Kountry with a capital K. She grew up riding dirt bikes and playing football in the cornfields with chickens. Or something like that. Those chickens put on a mean running game.

The girls next head off to be humiliated by Miss J. He's fashioned a cloud-walk out of a runway and some dry ice and wants the girls to exhibit strength, endurance and poise. Sandra is up first and looks like one of those dogs who has a skateboard for back legs. Angelea has one very odd looking super-straight arm on her walk, and Sandra says she looks abnormal. Bitches who live in crunk houses shouldn't throw shade. Tahlia, 18, lacks goddess confidence. Monique, 21, has red hair and interviews that her personality is different than anyone else's because she's involved in politics. Maybe she also knows the difference between "your" and "you're"! Sweet. She calls herself a conspiracy theorist. Hmmm. Maybe she's actually here to uncover the truth about the Cycle 9 Saleisha victory? London, 18, tells us it was pretty hilarious to see how many girls can't walk. On the flip side, there's Puerto Rican Jessica, 18, who can strut and knows it. Overall though, that exercise was a fright. Speaking of frights, the girls are getting close to meeting the Big T herself!

The Jays and the girls head to the pool in the early evening, and soon see a parade of hot Spartan dudes. In the middle of them all is Tyra, who I think has that same stretched-out filter that they used to try to make Ann Wilson look skinny in the video for "These Dreams." Tyra takes a step forward and announces, "I am..." Oh, are you really going to leave it up to us to finish that sentence? In fact, no. One of the hot Spartan dudes answers for her: "The Goddess of Fierce." I sometimes wonder what this show would be like minus the egregious retardation, but that's like trying to imagine how long my morning routine would take if I didn't have the Glaminator to assist me, or how I would have decided to style my hair without the aid of the Good Fierce Witch.

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America's Next Top Model




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