America's Next Top Model

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Goddesses and Monsters
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It's back, bitches! Yes, that's right, it's Cycle 12 of Top Model, and things begin in as nonsensical a fashion as ever. To wit: "Welcome to America's Next Top Model Cycle 12. Reverse those numbers and what do you get? [Ding ding!] Top Model's lucky number, 21. We're going to Vegas, baby!" I mean, I guess there's some sort of logic that follows to get from Point A to Vegas, and it's the same logic that causes you to anoint yourself "The Goddess of Fierce." But we'll get to that momentarily. Tyra tells us that Vegas is not Sin City, but Indulgent City. You know what this means -- all-you-can-eat rib buffet! Anyhoo, Tyra has narrowed down thousands of depressing applications to 34 semi-finalists, and she's bringing them all to Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Oh my God, what if they run into Cher?!?!?! I can't even imagine how many "Snap out of it!" moments there would be. I suppose it's also possible that they could run into Celine, whom I always imagine just hanging around with a Cirque du Soleil clown/mime by her side. But I digress. Thirteen lucky girls will continue on in hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model, and in the process will have to endure the scorn of the entire Internets.

Our 34 semi-finalists ride together on a bus and squeal with glee. Celia, 25, says nothing of note but immediately distinguishes herself as a very blonde Jennifer Jason Leigh clone who is fond of menswear and could be the grandmother of every other contestant on the show. She'll have the oatmeal. Allison, 20, looks simultaneously like Shelley Duvall in The Shining and one of the twins from The Shining. Quite a feat, eh? She interviews that it's hard for her to interact with a lot of other girls, and that she's heard people call her creepy or strange. As evidenced by the above comment, I guess I am one of those people. Allison admits that she's socially awkward. Soon she will confess that she's as likely to kill you in your sleep as not. Angelea, 22, who looks a little like Octomom but with crazier nails, is the first of this cycle to declare that she's not here to compete in America's Next Top Best Friend. I think that's because she's here to cut you.

The girls line up at a fountain in front of which a crew of Trojans part and allow the Jays to emerge. None of that is a double entendre. They explain that this week Caesar's Palace will be renamed "The Temple of Tyra." Subtext: Tyra = Doom. The Jays are standing in front of a statue of Nike, the Goddess of Victory. Jay Manuel says that the girls should embody her spirit, poise and determination, while overlooking the fact that she has no damn head. Only a select few of these girls will go from mere models to full-on goddesses, like spawn sprung fully formed from Tyra's fivehead. Sandra, 19, tells us that she's from Kenya and is already an African queen and a goddess. And also a pill.

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America's Next Top Model




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