America's Next Top Model

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Ugly Americans
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: Tyra got to see some of the girls work magic with shadow and light at a shoot where she was a photographer. Who knew holding a tablecloth or wicker chair over yourself was so high fashion? Jessica and Raina struggled to bring edge to their photos, and it was Jessica and her commercial kiss-of-death who got the inevitable boot. Four bitches remain! And this is part one of a two-hour season finale, which is another piece of evidence to support the theory that Tyra lives to torture me. (Piece of evidence number one: Super Smize.)

The remaining girls return to their amazing New Zealand penthouse and celebrate being the final four. Krista's best-of-week photo is displayed as digital art, and the panel comments overlaid on it tell us that she's a classy, mythological androgyne. Who isn't these days? Krista, who is also some sort of mythological statistician, says that they all have a 25% chance of winning this shit. She tells us that it was scary getting best picture three weeks in a row, because your next photo could be crap. You have to go above and beyond the good work that you've already done so you're consistently improving. What this girl has is tenacity and a work ethic. When she first told us that she tried out for the show, like, twelve times, I thought that meant that she was completely delusional. And then she came on the show and gradually started kicking skinny model ass and taking names, and totally proved me wrong. Good for her. Krista doesn't want to go back to being a store manager, and knows that -- at the ripe old age of 24 -- this is her last chance to be a model. She's not going to let anybody take it away from her. E.g., she will rip the weave right off your head and make herself a vest from it, if that's what it takes.

Alexandra tells us that she hasn't won best photo yet, and so was upset that she didn't have her name called first at the last panel. Krista, of course, beat her. However, Alex thinks she'll be in the final two. To be a plus-sized model, she says, you have to be so much more than every other girl around you. Forty pounds more, to be precise. When you hire a plus-sized model, Alex says, you know you're getting kick-ass personality and amazing confidence. I don't know. I think plus-sized models can be just as boring and insecure as everyone else. I guess you do have to give them points for eating more than a plate of lettuce with balsamic vinegar for dinner, though.

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America's Next Top Model




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