America's Next Top Model

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Pixie Dust In The Wind

Last week: a shocking elimination saw Lauren Brie packing her bags. But, in case you've forgotten, there have been many other surprises this season as well! Hot air balloons, mid-episode eliminations, chicks with dicks. And if you can believe it, there's even more that we've not seen! So Tyra is about to show it to us. It's the annual clip show, bitches!

We begin at semi-finals, where 33 fame-seeking young lasses were taken to a top secret facility and met by Alpha Jay and Beta J. in their silver lamé track suits...of the future! Alpha and Beta stood by a giant glass rainbow pride pyramid, or else we finally saw the manifestation of their collective auras. And then, new clip! The girls go to the Facial Modulation Station, where they have to mimic the facial expressions Tyra is making in various photos. Expressions such as "flirty," "oops," and "joyful." I never before classified "oops" as an expression, but clearly that's my 21st century linguistic palette limiting me. Marjorie, as one might suspect, has trouble making "joyful" believable. The girls next head to the Modification Movement Cubes. Each time a strobe light flashes, the girls must morph into a new pose and/or have a stroke. Sheena gets into the Cube and, as she explains, a bit of kung fu comes out, as well as a bit of Kama Sutra. That girl just feels more comfortable on her back with her legs up in the air. Ain't no thing. Miss J. has to clutch his pearls.

At the interviews in front of the judges, some girls focused on their entrance. Remember how Sharaun came in screaming and saying she was born to be America's Next Top Model? Me either! Those early losers vanish from my brain at the end of their last episode, just like they vanish from the group photo. Other girls shared tales of where they'd been. And - joy - we get to hear the whole story of Hannah being chased by a moose. When she was younger she had a paper route, to which she's doubtless returned since this modeling thing didn't exactly work out. It's a tough economy, yo. On her paper route, a moose stared her down. And then, I guess, chased her. Excitement! I think Hannah is a plant from Sarah Palin to show that moose (Mooses? Meese?) are children-eaters and actually deserve to be shot. Marjorie is, of course, a bundle of nerves from the beginning. However, her awkwardness was charming. She interviews that you get a rush when you're in front of such beautiful people. No, Marjorie, you're just breathing in a whiff of Tyra's new fragrance, "Kiss My Fat Ass," the scent for people who want others to want them...just as they are.

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America's Next Top Model

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