America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Made It This Far

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Same As It Ever Was

It should come as no surprise to long-time viewers of Top Model that the intro to the recap episode begins with Tyra. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. Tyra on the catwalk, living out her dream to wear pasties and have someone call it high fashion, feeling at ease amongst the glitz and the glamour. And then there is a winner's montage that does not include Adrienne. You know what, get over it, Tyra. If you're going to include effing Naima, you might as well just admit that the greatest height one might achieve by winning this show is being on top...of a Brady.

Then we get some brief clips of the audition videos, which are my favorite part. I wish there were more of these. What I can glean from the quick cuts are that Brooke lives in a mansion of some sort, Megg has a staircase in her house, someone has a tire swing, Megan is fond of the extreme close-up, A.J. likes jumping on her bed and leopard print, and, of course, that Caridee is a closet folk singer, if a rather limited lyricist.

The semi-final candidates went to Los Angeles, where they immediately started to annoy us. Melrose annoyed us by dissing her "issa," that republican chick annoyed us on principle, Brooke annoyed us by rapping as her altar ego Farty G, and Tyra and the Jays annoyed us in the way that our extended families annoy us at Thanksgiving dinner when we can hear them smackily chewing mashed potatoes as gravy dribbles down their chin. There was a nude photo shoot, and then thirteen girls made the final cut. The winners were happy, the losers cried, and so another season of Top Model commenced. And now there are only seven bitches remaining: Whiney, Dykey, Slutty, Fatty, Jowly, Twinny, and Tedious. Let's take a skip down memory lane, shall we? And if you want to see what the original recaps said about these incidents, you can look them up your damn selves.

Woo hoo! Los Angeles! Top Thirteen! Gaudy mansion with numerous photos of Tyra! Girls jumping in the pool in their underwear! Oh, it all seemed so innocent then.

The girls' first challenge involved wearing ugly men's clothing. Rocker Megg thought that she would have an advantage because she's so rock 'n' roll. I bet if Megg could build a time machine and go back to one moment in history, she would choose the inaugural episode of Headbangers' Ball. Melrose won the challenge. But when the girls got back home, they were in for a surprise when some gays raided their closet. And not just any gays, but wardrobe stylist Charlie Altuna and makeup artist Sutan. If you close your eyes, Sutan sounds just like Stuart Smalley. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, I look fierce in size twelve stiletto heels!" Charlie and Sutan are basically doing a What Not To Wear with the girls. The girls get their luggage and set it up for the gays, who have a big flashy silver trash can. Sutan says that something of Caridee's is hideous, and she counters, "It was my mom's." Sutan doesn't care and throws it away. Caridee looks upset and does a father, son, and holy ghost. Dude, if her mother is dead, that's really kind of mean. Charlie thinks that a tank top of Christian's (hey, remember her?) looks like a frog threw up all over it, and that a pair of tall, sparkly boots looks like a disco ball. Monique says that she paid $200 for them. Either that is a total lie or Monique is more retarded than we had originally thought. Eugena is in agreement that Monique's boots are fashion trash, and says so in an interview.

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America's Next Top Model




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