America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Go To Milan

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"Don't put your scary boyfriend here!" Mercedes tells Shandi as they settle into their rooms. And, it's true that the photo of him really does make it look like the future top model fell in love with the present top mime, in a heartwarming tale about the mismatched love a model and a mime feel for each other entitled -- oh, I don't know -- Silent Beauty? Anyone got a check for me yet? I'm pitching the hell out of this stuff, here.

Meanwhile, a this-time energized Yoanna and a this-time completely blasé Camille enjoy some more Kirk Cameron/Dudley Moore body-switcheroo highjinks, which this time finds Yoanna excitedly exclaiming, "Who ever thought Ebony and Ivory would be sharing a room together!" Sorry, but your sitcom pitch is too contrived, even if you have a built-in number of possibilities for the show's top contender for theme song. In which we all know. That people are the same wherever you go. There is good. And bad. In everyone. ["Except Camille." -- Wing Chun]

Please know that on any other day that self-inflicted cue would be followed by a full-throated rendition of the next nine verses and every refrain. Y'all better just be relieved the karaoke machine in my apartment isn't loud enough for you to hear. And that the Stevie Wonder impersonator hasn't shown up. Because I always get to be Paul, because he gets to go, "Eh-eh-boh-NEE! I-i-voh-reeee" on the fadeout. Anyway, Yoanna shares that she and Camille are getting along much better now, noting, "I want to keep peace," and Camille, from the safety of a confessional that looks like a confessional booth woke Camille up at 4 AM, all, "I can't sleep...are you asleep? Hey, Camille? Pssssst? You asleep? Sigh," Camille, decked out in pajamas and her diva eye mask, slurs, "The best way to seek revenge on someone is kill them with kindness. So that's what I'm doing. I'm killing Yoanna with kindness." Camille. Still deadlier than lupus.

Buona Mattina! For those of you not in the know of the complexities of the Italian language, that totally means "fish are pretty." We're on our way to April's most saw-it-on-her-teen-tour city yet, Verona. The girls arrive in an enormous, empty amphitheater, where they are soon to be met by Jay "Manuel Del Jay" Manuel, who chirpily cries, "You didn't think I was gonna abandon you in Italy, did you?" I didn't realize he'd become a Customs official. He tells them that today is a high-fashion shoot for sunglasses, and throws off several label-y names like Gucci, Dior, and Max Mara. The one they won't be doing, I guess, is Jay's high-fashion label of Enormously Hilarious Bar Mitzvah Novelty Glasses, which he is sporting at this very moment. He introduces the photographer and repeats that today's shoot is going to be high-fashion. Yoanna is up first, and she's decked out real pretty-like in Dior glasses. Jay tells her to stand in a way he described to us as "deconstructed poses," which is totally just shorthand fashion for "early man." It's so hunchy! Yoanna rocks the pose. Camille tells us how "privileged" she feels to still be doing this, adding, "even...quite royal?" She looks shitty. Shandi is wearing a crazy blonde wig and looks crazy. Jay tells an attending guy named Nole, who I know we've seen before, that Shandi looks like she could be in Italian Vogue, musing that he can't believe she came out of a Walgreen's. Nole, taking this cue, responds, "That's where they all come from. Walgreen's and Dairy Queen." All of them? Well then, cancel my next 20,000 go_sees, and get me the hell to a Blizzard with some delicious Reese's Pieces. April is, according to Jay, "very consistent," but he seems like he thinks she's -- what? -- too technical. Mercedes worries that her look is "too commercial," worrying that she isn't high-fashion enough. I still don't really know what that means. I liked the world better when people sucked because they were short or looked like little boys.

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America's Next Top Model

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