America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Go To Milan

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Fellini Meeny Miney Mo

Camille and Yoanna traipse the streets of Milan on their way to collect the boobiest of all booby prizes in the whole of BoobTown, USA: a street-side artist's rendering of them. Oooooh! A caricature artist! Well, at least he won't have to over-accentuate the immense and cartoonish size of Camille's head, in both a literal and metaphoric fashion. From here, they'll get a two-lire, two-minute shoulder massage and pick up some foam fingers of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Because these are all things that cheesy German tourists and visiting top models seem to think is the latest in tourist chic.

Take down the hair anytime, Shandi. We're at a fancy Italian bistro (I know this because of the Italiano music playing in the background) called "Bottega Vini," which means in English -- no, wait for it -- "Bottega Wines." What "Bottega" means died with Mussolini. (I have no idea what that means.) Inside the restaurant, Camille lifts a glass and toasts "to good health, happiness, friendship, love, and success." The rest of the girls nod as if the speaker is somehow immune from having her own words affect her, and the toast is montage-errupted by the entrance of Tyra and Jay. They banter about the trip and the apartment and how old ladies in Italy mature like cheese, instead of how old ladies are in this country, where they smell like cheese. Yoanna is soon to depart for the restroom, and Jay asks in her absence, "She always disappears to the bathroom at dinner?" Tyra gets her concerned, like, "I run Camp Tyra" look, and says that eating disorders are, well, disorderly and something to be taken seriously. Even if they're completely fabricated by a former nemesis and unconvincing friend whose personal credo seems to have just morphed into "and if you can't kill them with kindness, kill them with bulimia." Far more effective. Yoanna comes back with a book of matches, so I guess she doesn't have bulimia so much as she, like, plays pick-up-sticks with Our Gang? She wasn't smoking. Tyra is soon to be off, and suddenly Mercedes is telling Yoanna what Camille had said. Yoanna pointedly asks, "And you said this in front of Tyra Banks?" And watch out, y'all. She's unzipping her hoodie. She means it, big-time. Mercedes and Camille have words about this, and Camille defends herself by saying, "The question was if she disappears a lot. And, yes, she doesn't disappear a lot." Kreskin? You're still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Man, Tyra walks slowly. Yoanna does what I guess is running out of the restaurant after her. She explains in a word that she has never had an eating disorder, and Tyra responds, "It's what my mom calls the ugly side of the beautiful." Wow. Mother, poet, and professional ironic syntax spinning, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Mama Banks. Tyra admits that she did find some "sabotage" in it, which she could have tried with someone who has the body for bulimia, at least.

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America's Next Top Model

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