America's Next Top Model
The Girls Who Get Really Naked

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Further Teachings From The Book Of Robin

Anyone know the French word for "montage"? Well, look it up in your English To English, French To French Dictionary, people (no, not the Bible. The one next to, not that bible, either. The one with the...okay, that's actually also a Bible. Oh, good, that's a copy of Women's Wear Daily, so that's...which you ripped the pages out of so you could conceal the fact that you were actually reading...the Bible? Okay. Y'know what? Forget it. Look, I just said FORGET IT, so can we not fight here, because you're really just embarrassing yourself. No, why don't YOU shut up? Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone. Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion), because that's...sigh. Actually, y'know what? I can't pretend that fight with my internal monologue didn't totally make me lose my train of thought. Let's start over. Sorry. Just forget this paragraph ever happened. Don't look at me. I'm hideous. Shut up, Robin.

Anyone know the French word for montage? Well, look it up in your English To English, French To French Dictionary, people, because that's how we'll be reintroducing ourselves to Paris at the beginning of this week's episode. The top of the Eiffel Tower! The base of the Eiffel Tower! The entire Eiffel Tower! A concert by '70s funk visionaries, Tower of Power! A full-on serenade of "Power of Love," by Huey Lewis and the News. What a beautiful day it is here in the city of Free-Association-on-Seine.

Motaging us right past the most culturally-specific centers of the country and ensuring that we'll never learn the best locations in which to purchase French fries, French bread, French dressing, and to drink, Peru, we're right back at the entrance of the Hotel de Deux Acacias (translated here, for those of you not of the continent, as "hotel of the two acacias"). The four remaining girls -- Robin, Robin Lite, Dr. God Hater, and Rocky Balboa -- step off the elevator, almost doing some hilarious Monkees choreography when Adrianne's broad shoulders almost fail to make it through the narrow doors. With Robin totally playing the Micky Dolenz role.

Shannon lies on her bed and reads from The Book Of Poses Too Sexy For Reading His Holy Word (which, conveniently, comes right before The Book Of Take Off Your Top You Fucking Hypocrite, in case she should need to adopt some of that book's teachings at any point in the future) while Robin ambles around the room scowling at everything and knowing for certain that at least the afterlife won't be anything like her time at The Hotel Of The Two-Thread-Count Sheets, or however it translated above. Meanwhile, Adrianne and Elyse retreat to what looks like some kind of youth-hostel dining-room space, which must be close enough to Robin and Shannon that they for some reason feel the need to whisper. I thought they were in a hotel with rooms. Where is this random dining nook, then? And, most importantly, when did Mr. Brady get the contract to design the interior of The Hotel Of The Two Alternate Architectural Realities?

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America's Next Top Model




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