America's Next Top Model
The Girls Meet Taye Diggs

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Turning Japanese

And here I must break and tell you that, feeling it was my duty as your intrepid recapper, I first did some research to make sure that umeboshi wasn't in any way toxic or unduly foul, and then bought some at Whole Foods. I fed them to my entire book club. Not because I'm a sadist, but just to see how bad they really were. And because I couldn't stop saying, "ANTM Umeboshi! The taste so sweet, you'd swear it's candy!" And they're kind of like eating a chewy ball of salt with a pit. Definitely an acquired taste, and pretty jarring when you put a whole one in your mouth and chomp down, but nothing that you couldn't eat with a bit of determination. Which is, coincidentally, how Ann likes to describe her relationship with Janice.

And then, fucking Yaya. She begins the commercial in a typically annoying fashion. Every word and facial expression is slow and exaggerated. She ends the commercial and holds up the plate with the umeboshi. Tyra says, "And now we need you to eat the product because I've never heard of a girl having a commercial and not tasting the product." Janice screams, "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Which, coincidentally, was the extent of the conversation on Janice's last date with Ann. Worldly Yaya puts the umeboshi in her mouth and chews. She giggles. She goes, "Mmm." She chews and squeals and giggles and chews and squeals and giggles in an increasingly higher pitch. Which, coincidentally, were the same sounds heard outside of the hotel room where Janice had her last date with Ann. And then, in slow motion, Yaya spits the umeboshi into a small bowl. Janice sneers. Yaya says, "No offense, but I just couldn't eat it." The judges look very serious. Mr. Yoshie mumbles something to his attractive translator. This can't be good. Commercials.

And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week!

Small Orange Man: [jovially] Hey Elsa, you ready for a little face time?
Horsey Foreign Model: [pissed off at her sebaceous glands] Well I'd love to get this shine under control.
SOM: [with a limited range of expression] Well, start with an oil-absorbing makeup that'll last all day.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] It has to be light and fresh.
SOM: [embracing emphasis as an acting technique] Now, the best oil-control makeups are made with these cool ultra-light powders PLUS gentle conditioners that prevent dryness.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] And it feels nice and light.

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America's Next Top Model




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