America's Next Top Model

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Rock-a-Bye Bitches
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on America's Next Top Model: "Bianca and Lisa proved to be volatile women." Wow, Tyra has perfected the art of understatement. Heather came to the house with model potential and Asperger's, which, in case you haven't heard, is a mild form of autism. The photo shoot was rife with stillborn babies and face tumors, which taught us that smoking is bad, and that sometimes makeup artists put their talents to ill use. And Mila went home and tested out her theory that crying is a waste of time. One dozen bitches remain!

And before I go into the recap, I just want to say thanks so much to everyone who has written to express their condolences about Miss Itty's passing. It will please you to know that she has apparently been reincarnated as Bianca.

On the deck, the girls practice their walks overlooking Los Angeles. Kimberly asks Bianca to critique her honestly. Have you met Bianca, sweetie? Because the "honestly" is kind of superfluous. As is the "critique." Kimberly tells us that she's from Ocala, Florida, a small town revered for its churches and horse crap. She thinks she has what it takes to be a top model. Cut to Bianca giving her walking tips, then telling us that she gave Kimberly bad tips. She doesn't think that's being a bad friend, she says. No, in fact, it's not being a friend at all. Still, it made me enjoy Bianca just a little and think there's some truth to the claim that she's a fun bitch. Bianca says it's a competition, and she has to remember why she's here. Kimberly says that the walk doesn't feel right, and Bianca just laughs and tells her it was good.

Inside, some of the girls, including Saleisha, Chantal, and Ebony, are giving Heather a makeover. Heather interviews that at first, she was afraid that the other girls would look down on her because she has a disability. She must have seen the first episode, eh? Saleisha interviews that even though this is a competition, she doesn't want to be a bitch or act rude to any of the other girls, because that's not her personality. So, she says, she was helping some of the girls with what they were wearing. Bianca enters and yells, "What are y'all doing to her? Now she's just a prostitute." I wouldn't go that far, but I would maybe say that she's nearing the Whoreville County Line. Bianca interviews that Heather's disability gives her a leg up. She says that Heather gets a pity call from everyone, and she doesn't know if Heather deserves it. This might actually be a little bit true. See, Bianca seems like a crazy bitch, but if you listen closely and filter out the bile, there are some nuggets of wisdom in her rantings.

Tyra Mail! "I want a top model that has her stuff together. But for now, you can all go crazy. Love, Tyra." Chantal goes, "...Makeovers?" If only.

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America's Next Top Model




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