America's Next Top Model
The Girl Whose Lips Puffed Up

Episode Report Card
Djb: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Camille-y Mouthed

I had lunch with my parents on Monday in New York, because they came into the city for a few days to go to shows and not be home and whatever it is the aged do when they're alone. Anyway, they stayed at the Waldorf because they have worked very hard all of their lives and deserve every happiness, and in the hotel are a number of very high-end stores. One of them is the high-fashion jewelers, H. Stern, which caused my mother to observe, "You'd never think a jewelry line made by Howard Stern could be so beautiful." But she was just kidding. I think. Nevertheless, don't try to pretend that didn't fly through your mind at the sight of April and Catie stepping out of their car and into the eponymous locale. They shop in montage, April noting that she feels like "a little girl in a candy store." Because now boys hate not only spangly things and Sephora, but candy as well. Stupid, stupid Y-chromosome.

The road to hell is paved with Tyra Mail, and there's Yoanna working up to the Silver box of her SRAs as she's once again there to try the reading-comprehension exercise behind these words: "Tomorrow we'll see who will fight the best fight to become America's Next Top Model." Conspiracy theories abound: "Are we gonna box?" "Are we gonna fight her?" Yeah, like she ever loved her craft enough to become famed jazz flautist Crooked-Nose Banks.

Early, early, early the next morning, the ladies plod onto the set of the show De La Guarda, where they discover Jay decked out in the outfit of the next film in a world where the Matrix franchise hadn't petered out on account of the movies' sucking so hard. We learn that they'll be doing a television commercial for something called Rollitos Chips, a product no one in that room would deign to consume even if it actually existed, which I just don't think it actually does. The director of the commercial is a James Gay, and I certainly wouldn't have kicked him around in middle school for obvious reasons, but I have no choice but to deem his last name inveterately unfortunate and just move on in an I'm-so-glad-it-wasn't-me way. Two actors from the show, I guess, do a little demonstration of what they'll be up against this week as, suspended from wires, they run around across the back wall of the theater. Catie experiences an unfortunate flashback to three weeks ago, when she also didn't die as a result of being suspended. In a confessional, Sara expresses exhaustion with Catie's bullshit, and outside Jay tells her that it takes longer to shoot film than it does to shoot a photograph so, basically, shut up.

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America's Next Top Model

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