America's Next Top Model
The Girl Whose Lips Puffed Up

Episode Report Card
Djb: A | 1 USERS: A+
Camille-y Mouthed

Back at the ZoLoft, the girls practice their scene, Sara noticing a somewhat juicy stage direction that reads, "They embrace and engage in a passionate kiss." Mercedes pulls off the nasty but brilliant editorial comment that she hopes she can go first: "So I don't have to taste any of you other hos." Shandi and Yoanna point out the cheesiness of the script, and Catie sneers that it's so like a "soap opera." This sudden media elitism from the girl whose profile on the UPN website lists her favorite television show as Jimmy Neutron. It may be a kids' show, she'd argue. But at least he's still a genius.

Back at the headquarters of The Tasha Smith-Arqese Players, Tasha Smith-Arqese kicks it off by telling the ladies that the winner of today's acting competition will win a shopping spree at a jewelry store. It doesn't appeal to me personally, but then again I freelance for a company that employs only women, and I was rewarded for my efforts this year with an enormous gift Sephora. Now I know you're all thinking that they have a men's section and eye creams and hand creams and shampoos that smell like Thanksgiving Dinner In Heaven for $47, but seriously? I wanted something else.

Here's Mark Collier (you can pronounce the "r." He's not, like, French or anything) of As the World Turns, who will be acting out the scenes with the ladies. Shandi gives an excited little titter when he comes out, I guess because she knows him from the television mounted above the security camera in the store, and because she has to ask him how he found his long-lost sister who they thought had drowned, because she missed it when a fairly long price check drowned it out.

A montage of all of the women best explaining what the scene is about still doesn't make it make any more sense, but here it is, transcribed, told by the six-head demigod of Camille Didn't Memorize Her Script: "The scene is about a woman named Laura, whose husband was in the military. She thinks he's dead so she moves on, but he comes back." No less ludicrous than your average soap-opera plot, and I'll just bet it's one from As the World Turns, which they don't have to worry about snarking on because it's on a different network and Mark Collier is to busy figuring out what his last name is the French verb infinitive for to notice.

April is very good. Sara is trying the hell out of it, but sucks anyway. Yoanna is quiet. Mercedes has lupus. April "cried herself to sleep! Every night! For six months!" Catie can't even fake it, to the stern looks of Tasha Smith-Arqese. Okay, now the line is "I cried myself to sleep for six months." We've already heard it, and they show it to us twice more before we move onto Camille's rendition: "I cried, Colin. Not for one, not for two, but I cried for six months." Even Collier gets a confessional to tell us how this kind of improvisation (meaning "bad" improvisation?) "shouldn't happen." Tasha Smith-Arqese flips comically through her script as Camille continues on: "I focused my energy onto sculpting. I even gave some away to charity." She gave her sculpting away to charity? To what charitable organization, Habitat for Rodin-ity?

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America's Next Top Model




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