America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 3 USERS: A+
The Girl Who Is Just Kind Of Dumb
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

First, I have to say that, in case you didn't know, you can now buy Top Model on iTunes. Thank you Tyra, thank you Top Model, and thank you iTunes! You have drastically improved the quality of my life! In any case...

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. And yes, by "she" I mean the woman whose fat ass we've all loved to kiss for eight cycles: the irrepressible Miss Tyra Banks. And, as usual, it's all about her. Our premiere starts off with Tyra talking about Tyra. You know, she's been a model forever, blah blah blah. And it's always been her dream to pass the torch of being a top model to girls all over America. Really? I thought her dream was to charm Oprah into her own demise by inviting her over for a night of ribs by the fire, choking her with her weave, and wrestling the top talk show host torch from her cold, dead, greasy, Stedman-loving hands. Now, she tells us, Top Model is seen in over 110 countries. Proof that as the world gets smaller, it gets dumber, too. And also that America will not rest until we have ruined the rest of the world. Tyra gives Heidi Klum props for hosting Germany's Next Top Model, presumably to indicate that she's not seething with jealousy about (a) Project Runway, (b) Seal and (c) the fact that Heidi's still got the hot. You know why Heidi Klum doesn't ask anyone to kiss her fat ass? Because three babies later, her ass isn't fat.

Tyra tells us that the competition is getting bigger and crazier, and to dramatize that, we see some crazy folks auditioning. One woman says that she's spending so much money going to casting that if she doesn't get on the show, she's going to have to start selling her body. "To start." Out of thousands of applicants, thirty-three girls have been selected to be finalists. And seriously...thirty-three? They couldn't pick a round number? We get the stock footage of LAX that has been a mainstay of the "Tyra's doing her talk show and this is really a fortune-making afterthought" years, and we see girls meeting each other for the first time in the airport. Melissa, twenty-one, from the Bronx, says that she's going to impress the judges, because they'll see her drive and her hunger. Well, just don't let them see you eating, sweetie. We then meet Natasha, twenty-one, who is from Dallas but was born in Russia. She looks like Mail-Order Bride Barbie. Oops, spoiler. We then are reintroduced to Jaslene, twenty-one, from Chicago, who tells us all about how she didn't make it last season but is excited to be back. In the time between last season's semi-finals and this year's, Jaslene still has not seen fit to acquire a second x chromosome. Seriously, you could digitally insert her into crowd scenes in Paris Is Burning and no one would blink an eye.

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America's Next Top Model




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