America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wants It Bad

Episode Report Card
Djb: A | 1 USERS: A+
Adrianne's Season-Long Victory Lap

"You are like an angel," Adrianne tells Tessa as they sit in a corner of the house and do some serious smoking. "As soon as I heard, 'Does anyone else smoke,' I was like, 'Aaaaaah!'" It looks in print like she's yelling, but the actual stage direction is "as if the heavens were opening up to bring them closer to their god after they died from smoking-related illnesses." And, I mean, I love smokers. And though I haven't actually inhaled from the end of a (lit, and long story) cigarette in over two years, I still walk outside after dinner with the smokers because, well, smokers are cooler. Oh, come on! You were thinking it! But as Adrianne and Tessa enjoy some friendly conversation, Robin walks to the smoking corner and is like, "Y'all, you know, I don't mind y'all killin' y'all selves, but mama wanna live!" Shannon stands by her den mother with a goofy grin on her face, knowing that she can just fan the smoke away with her latest copy of Non-Threatening Boys magazine and think about her wonderfully intact hymen.

"We had a couple of special visitors," Elyse tells us. "One of whom was a personal trainer." The great Jon Silverman, personal trainer to, well, them, enters the premises carrying his own big-ass scale just because he can. And though from his name alone the great Mr. Silverman sounds like he may be more adept at bowing low over my gefilte fish and telling me that they are now "pareve" in honor of the holy day, instead he is a tough-talkin', square-jawed, America-lovin' (the flag patch on his vest indicates he'd be a total ringer at the -- wait for it -- Presidential Fitness Test) guy. Who shows his machismo. By critiquing flaws on women. Weigh-in! Giselle (who? Exactly) tells us that she felt awfully self-conscious when Jon announced everyone's weight out loud, including her self-conscious 136. Adrianne, the winner, clocks in at two pounds fewer. Elyse is 5'10" and 114, which causes her to ask, "Am I the lightest one?" Lighter than Robin, who feels "a bit awkward" at landing a 165. She and I could totally pudding-wrestle! I have no idea what that means.

Next, a specialist in the fine art of bikini waxing speaks with a clipped, Germanic accent as we're treated to incredibly detailed shots of twelve girls having hot wax ripped from their coochies. Robin confesses that only her husband and her gynecologist had ever been "down there" before, but she submits to it anyway because it says it's fine in the always overriding Book of Tyra.

Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! Elyse takes over proctoring duties again, and I become doubly dubious of anyone in that Flatotel's ability to get past the lowly Blue Level of SRAs. Because you can't hide from how hard the Silver Level is, but first you've got to get there, see. "You have a photo shoot for J.Lo Swimwear tomorrow morning. Be in the hotel lobby at 7:45 AM sharp." Adrianne screams a very loud "Holy shit" that is not edited out or compromised in any way, because she rocks the J.Lo Swimwear. The girls all scream because they think they know what J.Lo Swimwear is, because that is the power of branding.

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America's Next Top Model




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