America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wants It Bad

Episode Report Card
Djb: A | 1 USERS: A+
Adrianne's Season-Long Victory Lap

Shannon introduces her Sisters Christian to a magazine cutout of one Brad Pinkert, a model she looooooooves. She announces that his favorite book is The Bible, but when I Googled him, I discovered that, besides about a million drooly girl blogs where his name often appears on Top Ten Cutest Boy lists surrounded by every imaginable spelling of "Andy Roddick," one of the only other links (which I did not click on, because my computer is Christian) on which his name is featured is entitled, "Hot Young Stars in the Nude." So unless that's a scandalous fake that besmirches his good Christian name, my contention is that the only book other than the Good Book Mr. Pinkert enjoys might just be the checkbook. But I've been wrong before. Anyway, Shannon loves him because he's just like the Lord but with washboard abs.

Noting that godliness is next to boringliness, the cameras whisk us back into the room of heathens, where Elyse finds a pullout bed underneath her bed, which she hopes can be used "for boyfriends." But as we've quickly learned from two seasons of this show, (a) clucking hens in testosterone-deprived isolation makes for the best television ever, and (b) if your boyfriend can't be blue-tacked to the wall above your bed, you're not going to see him again until the clip show. Instead, the girls are shepherded into the living room, where Tyra shows up to congratulate them once more and explain, "You guys are the eight finalists. But I like very round numbers." Eight is round. "So what I did was, I did a nationwide search for two more." Eight is just two big circles. It's the roundest number there is. Nobody skates a Figure Ten. Nuh-uh. No point. Not round enough. Elyse confessionalizes, "What?" And, indeed...what? If there were twenty girls to choose from and the producers needed to boot twelve, where did these two other girls come from? It stirs the gumbo in strange, sinful ways. Tyra tries to stir up some excitement as she introduces "Giselle" who, Tyra tells us, is Latina, and Tessa who, Tyra thinks, represents "an exotic variation on a classic blonde look," up to and including the exoticism that comes from being a blonde who has, according to my television's interpretation of it, red hair. ["And a face like a frying pan. A real ugly frying pan." -- Wing Chun] Tyra gives a quickie speech welcoming them again, telling them that they'll be evaluated every week and that one of them will be eliminated. But, to the winner goes the slightly-variant-from-last-season spoils: a modeling contract with Revlon, a fashion spread in Marie Claire, and a contract with "major modeling agency Wilhemina." Everyone claps because noise is pretty.

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America's Next Top Model




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