America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wants It Bad

Episode Report Card
Djb: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Adrianne's Season-Long Victory Lap

Post-hypothermia dinner at "The Palm," where Elyse tells us she was "dragged from the atheism closet." We find her admitting her lack in a belief of a Higher Power, and Robin tells us in a confessional that this gives her "extreme reservations about [Elyse]," because religion always, always, always brings people together. Elyse fears that she might be alienating herself from a lot of the other girls, but promises, "I'm not going to pretend I don't believe in evolution just so I can be friends with Robin." This is deeply theological chatter for twelve girls in lobster bibs.

Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow, nine of you will continue on to become America's Next Top Model. One of you will be eliminated." Kesse actually does the reading honors, which is nice, but her pronunciation leads me to the understanding that, in fact, "none of you" will be eliminated, which is troubling. It also sounds like, due to no fault of their own, that the remaining nine of them will cumulatively become America's Next Top Model. A pearl-clutching gasp resonates around the table, ladies-in-waiting faint and are revived by fans, and men lower their monocles to see what could be all the commotion!

Elyse thinks she'll be eliminated because of her poor performance. Tessa worries she's going down for reasons, it turns out, she knows a lot better than I do right now. Er, spoiler. Adrianne doesn't want to go, either. Robin is "anxious and nervous," because she doesn't want to catch a case of atheism, whatever that is.

"I have a panel of supermodels who I totally respect," Tyra tells us while welcoming the twelve ladies into the Model Home. She introduces Janice first, though she clearly she needs no introduction. Her logline identifies her as a "70s supermodel," so the language of "world's first supermodel" hadn't been cemented, capitalized, and cemented at this point, I guess. Next up is Beau Qullian (Beau WHOllian?), the fashion editor at Marie Claire. To his left is Tyra, and then Kimora Lee Simmons, a former child model who escaped a stint on The Surreal Life by becoming the creative director of Baby Phat, which is a sexy, sexy clothing line that has the word "baby" in it, which makes me ookily, Bible-lovingly nervous. ["She also kept herself in the public eye by marrying rap mogul Russell Simmons and becoming extremely rich and extremely tacky." -- Wing Chun] And, finally, our guest judge this week is Douglas Bizarro, who is also available to entertain at your child's next birthday party. Give to his House, y'all. There are sick kids out there who don't have no french fries. Or so is my unclear understanding of the exact nature of what the Ronald McDonald house actually does.

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America's Next Top Model

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