America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Retaliates

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Red Bullshit

Tyra Mail! "Find out the pecking order at 7:00 AM." They think perhaps "pecking order" has something to do with how they are ranked, and not with real live dirty birds. Suckas!

The girls travel to a park, where they meet fashion stylist Jason Leung, who also teaches at the London College of Fashion. Which reminds me that I'm teaching two seminars at Recapper's College this spring, so be sure to pick up a catalogue at your local Whole Foods. Today, the girls are going to learn about posing by taking a tour of London and viewing sculptures. Jason tells them to remember that, when posing for sculptors, models had to concentrate for long periods of time. Unless they were the aforementioned Lionel Richie, in which case their sculptor makes a bust that looks nothing like them by sense of touch alone while they stalk her kind of creepily but she doesn't know because she's blind, for God's sake. Don't assume I know nothing about art, Professor Dressmaker. As top models, says Professor Dressmaker, it's important for the models to be able to concentrate on the photographer, particularly while they're flying through the air or jumping on a trampoline or roller skating or hanging out in the bottom of a grave or swimming in a fish tank or just thinking about how ugly they look naturally.

The tour commences on yet another double-decker bus. They see a sculpture of Eros, the Greek God of Love, who is kind of standing on one leg and shooting an arrow. Jason tells the girls to imagine having to pose for that, and how long they'd have to stand on their tiptoes. Jayla says she's never thought before to look at a statue and wonder why it looks the way it does. It's because of the pose, she says, and if you fall out of your pose even a tiny little bit, you can completely ruin something. Jayla can now add this to her repertoire of "ways you can completely ruin something," right after "being myself." Jason takes the girls for a walk in Regent Park, where they run into a big swishy prissy statue in the guise of Miss J. Er, vice versa. Jason says that Miss J. is totally focused and doesn't even move when he hears talking. Try to have that middle Hanson boy walk by him and then see what happens. If Miss J. is anything, he's a sucker for "Mmm Bop" nostalgia. Miss J. tells the girls that, for their challenge, they'll be judged on statuesque poses, focus, and concentration. Jason tells the girls that whoever keeps her focus amidst the manifold distractions around her will emerge victorious and win a huge shopping spree. Miss J. says that since they're posing like statues, they'll also have to look like statues. This means sprayed-on silver body paint and, perhaps, a roll in peanut butter and bird seed.

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America's Next Top Model

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